Table Talk

Writing letters to inanimate objects, concepts, & ideas helps me to accept things as they are and allows me to calmly and respectfully move on with my life.

Here are some examples:

Dear Arugula, 

 I have really tried to like you. I see you in my salad mix. I try to make you feel included, but your pungency clashes with everybody else. It really is too much. I do not know why you insist on being as strong as you are. Therefore, I must move you to my list with cucumbers and treat you as I would treat poison ivy who at this point has got to be some distant botanical relative to you.

 Dear Ardha Chandrasana,

I love your nickname, Half Moon Pose. It's so whimsical, so unassuming. You are delightfully simple, and yet you are incredibly difficult! I appreciate you because there is no other stretch quite as awful as you are.  I feel so two dimensional in your pose. Is it me? Is it because my legs are different lengths? I can balance just fine with your buddies like Warrior 3 and Tree Pose. Alas, I am not giving up on you. I will use my blocks, and I'll start to bring them out for you like I do for Trikonasana. 

Consider yourself special.

Dear Zing,

I really, really like you. Why are you not on the mainstream list? You are so closely related to Zoom, my favorite mainstream call, and all you ask for is just a quarter more. I was so glad to have found you on the C-1 list, but I just think you should work on being moved up from Challenge to Advance to Plus to Mainstream. Heck, go for Basic. Bring your friends Press Ahead and Jaywalk, too, since it turns out all these little cued calls actually have names. Try talking to 2/3 Recycle and Shakedown about moving lists too, at least up to the Advance list since we already know how to counter rotate.  

Dear Papa Johns,

Why is your pizza just mostly bread now? Where did all the sauce go? And the toppings, too? I don't understand why you think that including buttery garlic sauce in your boxes is any substitution for actually just putting sauce or flavor on your pizza like you said you would. Also, why do the leftovers become almost as dense as neutron stars overnight? Your crust goes from being mostly bread to something like osmium in just a few hours. I've never experienced pizza behave in the way that you make it. I think you are a focaccia factory disguised as a pizza shop partially government funded for conducting weird space food experiments on the general public. I remember when you actually used to advertise and compete in the pizza market, but now you just mail it in like it doesn't even matter anymore.

Dear Facebook Marketplace Patrons,

When I post something, there is no need to message me privately and ask me what is the lowest I will go. The price that I post is the price that I will sell it. 

Period. 

There is no other lowest I will go. 

That is why I have posted it at all, you see.

If you insist on offering me a price so low that even my cat could walk over it, you really leave me no choice but to snarkily respond with an even higher offer so that you can personally experience firsthand how insane and petty you're being.  You want to offer me $50 for my $80 sofa?

Congratulations, now I will sell it to you for $110. 

You want to haggle on a social media site where you can't see how hard I'm rolling my eyes at you?

Let's go. I literally have all day.

Dear Greige,

I'm all about fun new names and colors, but I do not like what you are called now. I feel like everyone was getting what they wanted by calling you "khaki", but somewhere down the line an intern got ambitious and took it too far and then you were invented. I do not like the way you sound. And you look like a Greg that had a spelling crisis. Could I just instead make every letter in your word silent? Can you go on existing as a color without having to be called greige? Could you do that for me?

Where I talk to you, at a table,

TWS