Lucidity

I had a dream that I was selling an online cat food product.

Kind of like salt & pepper, but for cats.

The "seasoning" was actually just crushed up cat food, which, recalling my dream now, is hilarious.
In my dream, though, it looked like white powder, and I sold it in dressmaker's chalk wheel containers:

I was reading reviews about my product on a site like Yelp.
Some comments were like:
My product was never delivered to me.
Shipping takes forever.
While other comments were like:
This product is great. My cats love it.

And then I thought, "Of course they do. It's cat food."
Then I wondered what was going on with my shipping department. I couldn't remember in my dream if I was responsible for that, or if I had outsourced that part of my business.

And then I was helping a couple of guys rob a house. And then I woke up.

Cat food, entrepreneurship and thievery.
My dreams are ever so exciting.

I sent in my CPA application today,
TWS

Augusta

There is no part II,
TWS

Egg

Have you ever made your own grapefruit juice but instead of carefully removing the peel and seeds, you just cut it up into fourths and put the whole darn thing in there?

Drinking it feels like getting kicked in the face by an army of angry citrus trees.

Whenever I Google something multiple times, I kind of feel a little insulted by the way Google lets me know this.
Below the webpage, it reads:
You've visited this page 11 times. Last visit: 12/10/2013.
How I read it:
You've visited this page 11 times already! Geez, lady! Have you still not found what you're looking for yet? You must be stupid and really suck at research. Last visit: LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO CHEESE AND RICE.  

That moment when you lean back in your chair, stretch, pull your hair together and realize you don't have a hair elastic with you.

I was walking in my neighborhood last night, and a fair number of the townhouses are decorated for Christmas. There was one house with weird lighting. It's like they had replaced their porch lights with red and green bulbs, casting an eerie kind of glow on the front of their house.

And that's when I realized brothels are always more or less half way decorated for the holidays.

Whenever I eat a hard-boiled egg, I feel like I'm eating an eyeball. Not that I've ever eaten an eyeball, but I imagine it would be a lot like eating a hard-boiled egg.

I feel like theory of constraints wouldn't work in a beverage container facility.
Too many bottlenecks.

The last word of this sign is misspelled on all six floors of the Chatham County parking garage.

Public humiliation?

And here are some mushrooms I found that look like pancakes:

for size comparison

Mike maneuvered around slow people in Wal-Mart.
Me: I like your diversion.
Mike: Yeah, I take my own way... *looks at contents of aisle* ... through the pad aisle.
Me: Man, I hate when there's traffic there.
Mike: Well, it depends.

I need to go buy that kid a card,
TWS

Kitty

This post is going to be a little bit ridiculous.

Long ago, Sam was engineered to be a kitty. In the land of fur muffins and fuzzy buttons from whence all kitties come, two juicy grapes and two fluffy cotton balls were stuck inside a kitten skull.

Little kitty legs were covered in fur, and tiny rubber stamps were glued on the ends. Lint, fleece, and insulation were used to construct a long, flocculent tail. Sam was made out of direct kitty materials, direct kitty labor, and kitty overhead. Kitty creation is a complex process, and there was absolutely no room for spoilage. The creature inherently possessed kitty talents, and Sam became a kitty.

Of course, Sam was never anything but a kitty. Rather, he was a kitty trapped inside a kitty body. This is what makes him so kitty, you see.

When kitties were invented, the original recipe called for only one eighth of a milliliter of lion extract. This was so the cat could be domesticated but not entirely lose the willpower to catch and eat live game.
To leave out the game in life would be to leave out too much kitty from the kitty.

However, during Sam's batch, three fourths mL of lion were accidentally added! This caused a brand new species of kitty to be created called the Sammy Kitty (Samus Kittyus). One of the most distinguishing features of a Sammy Kitty is a superfluous mane under the ears and chin. This mane holds the superiority of the species and supports the kitty's ego.

Fortunately, this was the only noticeable change from adding too much lion extract. He was only one small measurement short of having a mountainous roar!

Because of kitty design and schematics, Sam automatically knew how to sleep inside of small boxes, bat at tantalizing blind strings, and recline on rough and incredibly uncomfortable surfaces.

At the kitty factory, he was taught much meow, so much meow, and was not programmed to learn any other language. It is typical for kitties to learn only meow, and Sam was no exception.

He learned nursery rhymes, such as the following:

Hey kitty kitty, the cat and the kitty
The kitty jumped over the kitty
The little kitty laughed to see such a kitty
And the kitty ran away with the kitty

One day, Sam was not his own, for he had been made new. He was transferred from the kitty manufacturing plant and arrived Fed Ex Kitty into another kitty. Soon after, he found himself among a litter on a little kitty farm. A LITTER. As if he were a piece of garbage! He would never put up with such disgrace, and he wanted so badly to be removed from the litter and the kitty farm.
He wanted to be whiskered away so that he could be independently fuzzy. When a Sammy Kitty is separated from other kitties, its fuzz begins to grow exponentially, as it is not inhibited by the growth of others.

One peculiar thing about Sam's birth was that he was a blue kitty. The original color in which his fur was dyed in the factory was a smokey grey. But the travel from the factory through Fed Ex Kitty altered the dyes in the fur slightly, causing it to bear a cadet blue color.

photo unaltered

Overtime, the fur assimilated back to its original intended color, but symmetrical white markings remained around the little kitty eyes and the little kitty face.

Again, these are distinguishable factors found only in a Sammy Kitty.

When kitties are assembled, some are given bearings while others are given a complex set of rubber bands. This enables Fed Ex Kitty to bring kitties to other kitties. Sam was assembled with bearings, but because the farm had strict guidelines regarding who should procreate and who should not, Sam's bearings were removed soon after he was delivered to the farm.

Sam would not lament long, for a greater love was in store.

Sir Michael came to the farm and decided to keep Sam for himself, mostly because he was the only kitty that was blue and had a mane. Sam grew up under the care of Sir Michael and matured to be a very cornucopias kitty. He was so kitty. And because he was so kitty with his kitty legs and little kitty face, he received much kitty love.

One day, Sir Michael brought home a pretty girl. The girl loved Sam at first sight. He was such a charismatic kitty and had met her with such kitty charm that she could simply not stay away from the kitty.
Sam was Sir Michael's wingman.

Because Sir Michael owned Sam, she kind of fell in love with him, too. Sam caused Sir Michael to get all the ladies ("all the ladies" = 1).

Soon, they were all three a happy family, radiating in abundant kitty love for kitty.

The story ends not, for Sam has survived and developed several hobbies over the years.

One hobby he particularly enjoys is sleeping on expensive equipment.

Sam also enjoys drinking water from a faucet. Not a bowl that we lay out for him to access whenever his kitty self pleases. From a running faucet.

And eating plants.

He also enjoys strategically placing spare tufts of his fur around the house in order that it gets onto everything so that when we go outdoors, we represent him by looking almost like him.

Oh hai i'm in ur bawx messin up ur stuph

I've had to stop wearing my black pea coat just because of this madness.

Sam has a not-so-secret obsession with getting into closed containers.

ERMAHGERD

Yes, that is a dishwasher.

Sam enjoys lethargic gymnastics. What this means is that his body can contort into strange shapes with almost no effort on his part whatsoever.

Slide to the left

Slide to the right

Criss Cross!

Here, we have an exclusive back-of-the-chair cover. Expensive looking, no?

Sam also likes to play games such as Hide and Seek.

He's kind of bad at it, though.

"Hiding"

He actually thought he was hiding in the closet:

So that's pretty much as kitty as it gets.
No one's kittier than a kitty.
And no one is as kitty as our Sammy Kitty.

<.____.>,

TWS