Language Barrier

 I feel so stupid when I read the King James Version.

This is what it's like:

KJV, Mark 6:14:

And king Herod heard of him (for his name was spread abroad:) and he said, That John the Baptist was risen from the dead, and therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him.

And this is my brain:

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. SHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.
Like SHEWS.

And omg, shooz.
I could use some new shoes. Like some new sandals or puffy new walking shoes with cool memory foam and stuff. 

But, like, I went to DSW a week or so ago and they were like sooooo expensive. I don't want to pay $60 for new shoes, especially sandals. And then some were like 30% off or whatever, but that's still like over $40 for shoes.

Or like cashews. I'm hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

It's so dumb. There is a serious mental block when I go to read the KJV. Any other translation is fine, but there's something so pretentiously lofty about the KJV that it makes me feel like a stupid field peasant trying to understand the orders from Parliament that are seemingly in some other language more common amongst upper crust bourgeoise that wear monocles and top hats to fancy parties in their conservatories and bet on polo matches on the weekends.

And it's not like the words are hard. 

I can deal with the thees, thys, and thous. 

Even the -eths and -ests and winebibbers. 

But it's the SILLY spellings and word arrangements that set my brain train on a fast track course back to kindergarten finger-painting time.

I'll get through a few verses and then get stuck and think to myself, what even are words that dost make sentences, perhaps?

Old English = instant brain fog

Nothing like toe hair to ruin a good pedicure,

TWS