Elf on the Shelf

I just recently learned what Elf on the Shelf is about even though the idea has been around since 2004 apparently.

You can wikipedia what this is, but you'll get a huge ad for their fundraiser, so I'll save you the trouble: The Elf on the Shelf is this little holiday tradition based off of some book where a stuffed elf is placed in a room so that he might report the good and bad activities back to Santa at night. Then he comes back the next day in a different spot.

I guess the end goal is to motivate children to behave, but the whole elf-spying concept is a little weird. Meanwhile, the parents have to keep up with moving the elf so that the children stay convinced that it's "magic" even though it's just a huge lie.

I was explaining all this tomfoolery to Mike.
Mike: That sounds like a lot of work.
Me: It is.
Mike: It'd be so much easier to just tell your kids about Jesus.
Me: Yep.

Like, why do people feel the need to invent these creepy little ways to get their kids to act right?
"Be good so that the elf will report good things to Santa."
"Be good or Santa won't bring you any presents."
"Be good for goodness sake."

Think about all the subtle effects that these traditions are instilling in your children:

First, they develop a works-based-love relationship with Santa. They must impress him in order to get the things that they want. Therefore the goal is a self-centered material desire instead of behaving out of love for someone, a.k.a. honoring your parents (which is a concept totally lost in western culture).

Secondly, they learn to behave only when someone's "watching". This translates to a larger problem later on when they learn to only do the right thing when they will be rewarded for it instead of doing the right thing because it's inherently the right thing to do. Mixed up priorities and such. Short term rewards instead of long term gains, as it were.

And thirdly, when this whole sham comes to light, it's pretty much teaching children that it's okay to lie.
"It's just a white lie. It's harmless!"
It's still a lie. And it's still harmful.

Instead of: we love Jesus, so we always strive to obey his commands.
It's: we obey Mommy and Daddy during this certain time of the year so we can get more stuff.

"Where I come from, tryin' hard to make a livin'
And workin' hard to get to heaven. Where I come from"

Every time I hear that song, all I can think of is that Alan Jackson doesn't understand basic Christianity.

You don't work hard to get to heaven. You work hard because Jesus has gone and prepared a place. The hope is in what He has already done, not in what you can do.

So when I see Christian parents using this gimmick-based Elf on the Shelf/Santa kind of garbage, I just don't know how they rationalize the double standard.

When children are taught that they better not shout/cry/pout I'm tellin' you why, it's not "because Jesus is our Lord and Savior" but rather "because stuff".

(This is a huge reason why I love The Grinch: The Whos SANG ANYWAY because they had joy despite the fact that they had just been horribly robbed.)

We obey God because we love him.
Wouldn't it be great if your kids just obeyed you- not because you were indirectly bribing them with things via a fictional character - but rather because they loved you and God who actually exists?

It's a loaded question, I know. And what does "being good" mean anyway?

I don't like to tell people how to raise their children because I personally do not have a vested interest in parenting.
But if I ever did, I would not tell them about Santa.
Or any elves on any shelves.
Or the many other lies of this world.

I would just tell them about Jesus.
The original true story.

What you say about his company is what you say about society,
TWS

...

THE RIVER!!!!

Tom Sawyer; Rush

Hammer-On

I have some etchings.

However, Mum:

BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN TO READ THEM (Mum) READ THIS:

Scenario: Friday night.
We just came home from work. I was ambling about in the kitchen when the doorbell rang.
Very mysterious this was.
I always use the peephole so that I don't open the door for people that have set out to change my life.
UPS dude had just dropped the boxes and was already back in his truck by the time I got to the door.
Mike has a theory that maybe he threw the boxes at the doorbell from near his truck, which was why he was able to get to it so fast, but more on that in a second.

The first package Mike was expecting. Some techy sound card.
The second package was a complete surprise.
Mike sold his old PS4 to Amazon just to get some cash out of it.
They apparently set it back because it was cosmetically damaged.
And if you know Mike, you know he takes care of his electronics.
I mean, this guy still has a surround sound system that he bought from K-Mart on a black Friday sale back in high school.
So peered in the box we did and it was so broke.
It was horrible. It was scuffed. The top was falling off. Things were rattling around inside.
And, of course, it didn't work.
Blue light of death or something.

So there are a couple things that could have happened:
1. Amazon received Mike's nice pretty PS4 and a broken one from some deadbeat. PS4's got switched, so Mike got the reject and deadbeat got sweet cash.

~*~OR~*~

2. UPS did quite a number on this box.

And this is what this etching is about.
Click to enlarge.

Also, my band partner and I made it into the newspaper last night which is a really cool thing I have going on in my life right now.

Click here to view my FACE SINGING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

Find other good pix HERE AT OUR FACBOOK PAGE.

P.S. my hair looks awesome.

And guess what guys.

I didn't even cry,

TWS

The Night Of Pt II

I was so wrong.

I totally over-thought that HBO series.

But I started watching the new series Westworld, based off of Michael Crichton's novel.
From what I've seen so far, especially Sunday's episode, I think that Ford is a robot that Arnold created and killed Arnold.

Hopefully this series will end more conclusively than Mad Men. (You: "I KNOW, RIGHT!?!")

That is all.

TWS

Mugworm Tea

I slightly super hate how all retailers, it seems, have taken the thrill out of getting deals and maximizing coupon savings potential.

I remember the super bargain discount clearance finds with my mom back in the 2000s.

This is how it happened:
1. Head to clearance section of the store
2. Find marked down name-brand item because it had a dent in the box or whatever
3. Find both manufacturer and store coupons in that massive purse of hers
4. Get laundry detergent for a few yen!

I use the phrase "a few yen" because it's a little more cultural than "pennies on the dollar".

Or, alternatively:

1. Head to feminine product aisle of store
2. Find a buy one-get-one deal
3. Find a couple of identical coupons in that massive purse of hers
4. GET QUADRUPLE THE DISCOUNTS

But I am sadly here to report to you that those days are over.
There are so many restrictions on coupons now:

Do not double
Do not use in conjunction with any other coupon, sale, or discount
Only good at this location
Only one coupon per transaction, per item, per day, per customer
Dry clean only

Ok. I may have made that last one up. But all the others are true.

I'm less upset about not saving the money and more upset that they won't let me be clever or tactful enough to wield my super coupon combining powers.

I mean, all the stars in the commercial heavens have to align to pull off something like this.
So when the cashier says so nonchalantly, "we can only do one", I want to retort, "CAN'T YOU SEE HOW CLEVER I'M BEING!?!?!? I saved all of these coupons for this one time in my life so that I could get this item for a small percentage of retail value and you're telling me that I have to pay the plain ol' sale price because using the coupon instead wouldn't yield that much of a discount."

So much disappointment. So much wasted effort.

Or like that I time I got my haircut BEFORE the day on the previous receipt. I brought in the receipt to get the discount and then I was all like, "I work at Gulfstream" (to get an additional $3 off) and they were like, "the discount's the same either way."

BUT. BUTT.
I would've waited until after August 9th if I had known I couldn't get $6 off!!!

Unfortunately, I can do nothing as a patron to change this. I can no longer get excited about the potential of a coupon. I must just take it at face value, just like it says.
Any other sales or discounts I get are just unplanned retail shenanigans I merely stumble upon like the other common retail-chain-going bourgeoisie.

Of equal or lesser value,
TWS

Dream Weaver

Last weekend, I went out for amazing Indian food with some amazing people.

I mean, seriously. These people work to save lives and look at body parts all day long that my weak stomach can't handle.

But Indian food?

Oh yeah. My stomach can definitely handle that.

Unfortunately, Indian food is twice as much as I want to pay for a dinner for two. Especially after Mike's comment, "I actually think your curry is better."

But even when you try to make it at home, it can be a little pricey. Basmati rice? Like $6 for a two pound bag at Kroger. And good luck finding garam masala in the spice section.

For the second week in a row, I was craving Indian food and was determined to make a delicious meal. 

The menu:

- Chicken curry (chicken in a tomato based sauce with an obscene number of spices)

- Palak paneer (cottage cheese chillin' in some spinach puree, again with the spices)

- Naan (Jesus bread of life bread. Like a sweet, handsome cousin of pizza crust)

- Basmati rice (the best rice ever)

So yesterday, I went down to the Krishna Grocery, an Indian grocery store only about 15 minutes from my house. It was very reminiscent of Turkey grocery stores in that there were a lot of things on the shelf that I had no idea what they were. They also had strange produce in the back you just don't see anywhere else, like turmeric root and dates. 

But the rice. Oh, the rice. I bought a 20 pound bag of Basmati for $19. That's less than $1 a pound, son. When I got home, I set it on the counter and I hugged it. It had such a nice weight to it, and it smelled wonderful. Don't knock cuddling with rice until you've tried it.

And the spices. Oh, the spices. A whole aisle just dedicated to spices. They're sold in these efficient little airtight bags. I bought curry (of course), cardamom, and garam masala. When I got home, I transferred them all to jars which was an experience in itself. The fragrance from these potent spices are unlike anything I've ever imagined. My hands STILL smell delicious. And the best part was the price. At Kroger, you can buy a small 1.62 oz container of curry powder between $3 and $4. I bought a 14 oz bag for $3.49.

90% PRICE SAVINGS. WHAT. 

I had been living my life all wrong. Why didn't I go to this place sooner?

I also bought paneer, yogurt, dry kidney beans, urad dal (like lentils but not), and tea, which was also a great deal (100 very strong tea bags for $4). 

Cooking Indian food is a lot of work. I always work up an appetite doing it. It's such a great weekend activity, though, and the resulting food is so rewarding and then you have leftovers for days that only get better with time because of the spice permeation.

Allow me to walk you through my two hour cooking adventure.

Fryin' paneer (cheese)

It's easy to wilt spinach when it's already kind of wilted.

Fryin' palak (spinach)

Onions and fragrant spices

Add dem tomatoes and moar spices!

Mix in pureed palak

Add back dat paneer

Naan makin

Pan fryin' naan while starting chicken curry

Add crushed tomatoes and spices

Powerhouse spices: Curry, cumin, garam masala, turmeric

Add yogurt for creaminess

Hug that rice real nice

Meal complete with Indian chai

That's how I make really delicious Indian food.

Swiss cheese is much holier than thou,
TWS

Flatbread

I know you all are tired of hearing my biking stories, but I have a feeling you will enjoy this one more than all the others.

On Thursday, I decided to bike to work. It was a beautiful 70 degree morning, and my backpack was light because I have become an expert at figuring how to pack all my work clothes into a shake 'n bake bag. True story.

The secret is: light weight blouses and rolled pencil skirts.

My ride was not as easy as usual, though. The flat surfaces felt almost as tough as the hills. "Maybe I'm just getting back into it," I thought since I hadn't biked in a while.

At lunch, I decided to check my tires, thinking that could be it. The back one was fine and firm, but the front one was a little more squishy than I would've liked. "I'll need to pump this up when I get home" I thought.

I left work at the end of the day. The tire still felt like it did at lunch, and I hoped I could make it all the way home. About a quarter mile later, it was making a weird noise, and I stopped to check the front tire. It was losing air fast.

Somehow, I made it about 2 miles before I admitted to the reality that I had a flat. Like an amateur, I had no spare tube or pump with me, even though my bike is configured to carry all these supplies.

I made the phone call to an unsuspecting Michael, who had already started cooking his dinner in the oven, and he grabbed the rarely-used bike rack to come meet me by Wal-Mart.

For the record, I would have walked the remaining 5-6 miles, but I had guitar practice because I'm in a band now, so I kind of had somewhere to be that night.

While I was waiting, I posted the following picture on Instagram, trying to stay positive amid a crappy situation in the back of the Home Depot parking lot.

"What a beautiful day to get stranded with a flat tire!"

Unfortunately, the situation only got crappier.

When Mike pulled up, I heard a loud pop from one of his tires from where he ran over a white garbage bag. He got out of the car. "What the.....OH MY--- *gag*"

Dude ran over a bag with a diaper in it.
The diaper bust open.
There was human poop all over his front left tire.

The smell. Oh, the smell.
This wasn't just diaper smell.
This is diaper-poop-sitting-on-warm-asphalt-for-who-knows-how-long smell.

This is a true story.

We got the bike rack out and assembled it on the trunk. Every so often, a breeze would blow and we'd get the nauseous wave of stink in our noses again.

Finally, we had the bike tied down. Mike held his breath and carefully tip-toed to the drivers seat. He back up the car, so as not to get two tires covered in poop.

Conversation on the ride home:
Mike: You and your biking.
Me: I know, man. I'm sorry, but I really appreciate you coming to get me. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Mike: Well, there is poop on my tires...

When we got home, he parked in the garage like usual, but he almost threw up when he got out of the car. We took the bike off and then he backed the car out into the driveway.

I got out the hose and went to work, holding my breath.

It was worse than we thought, though. As he was driving, the poop was being flicked and smeared all around the metal part of the car that surrounds the tire. Plus, it had dried, so I had to scrub it off and pray that the smell would go with it.

Meanwhile, Mike had gone inside to finish fixing his dinner. Apparently when he left to come get me, he turned the oven off, but had left everything inside of it. His potato chips were black and his biscuits had all congealed into hard little rolls.

We were so traumatized that we couldn't even eat. The smell was infused into our senses. Everything smelled like crap. Food turned to ash in our mouths. We were ruined for the night.

I took him by the shoulders, looked him square in the eye and said, "I never. Ever. Want to have children."
His face broke into a half smile. "This confirmed it for you?"

I have now cleaned cat crap off of lawn mower blades and human feces off of car tires.
I would be perfectly happy never having to clean up someone else's doodoo again.

 This is the stuff of nightmares, man.

The lesson here is to bring a spare tube and tire pump on every bike ride because you never know where a dirty diaper could be lurking.

When you've got trouble, I've got trouble, too,
TWS

When You've Got Trouble; Liz Longley

Health Insurance and Other Boring Matters

Today has been an unusual day for me in that I titled a post directly related and relevant to the subject matter and I actually did medical-like things.

The last time I was this involved, I still had an appendix.

First, I got my health screening, which is what we have to do if we want to save $500 on our insurance premium next year. Since I'll finally be on my own plan next year, I gots to do what I gots to do.

"Why don't you just get on Mike's plan?"

Because Family coverage >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Single coverage in both cases.
Plus, he's not on a high deductible plan, which means I couldn't do this REALLY COOL TRICK with an HSA which I will tell you about on #3.

So I got my health screening done. It amazes me how I keep on getting healthier the older I get.
It's weird. Seems counter to society. I guess I'm just afraid of things getting worse, so I think my motivation to BE better has outweighed any actual negative aging effects.

"I have decided at 25 something must change."
-Bloc Party; Kruezberg

In a continuous improvement effort to continuously improve, I'm starting this program called 16 Century.

It's a program created by me so if you try to Google it, you'll just get a bunch of Italian art, Protestant reformation, and guys wearing tights.

16 Century is my goal, from September 2016 to August 2017, to bike 1600 commuter miles (e.g. 16 centuries).
"Commuter miles" are miles that I would have driven in a car had I not biked. So your mamby-pampy-bike-casually-around-the-neighboorhood miles don't count.
I'm planning to buy a fabric guitar case so I can bike to church and still be musically involved.

 It's going to be DANK.

The only loophole to this goal is if I become injured/unable to bike, or my bike gets stolen or otherwise totaled/un-rideable during this time period.

And I'm going to track this. A progress chart with how many miles left to go.
Spreadsheets like you wouldn't believe.

Capt Jack Sparrow: Who makes all these?
Will Turner: I DO. And I practice with them 3 HOURS A DAY!

More like 8 hours a day, but we're not going to a butcher a pirates quote just to be more accurate here.

Spreadsheets so that at in the next year I can see fuel $aving$ and any health improvements as compared to this year's health screening.

My motivation lies in the fact that I am very fortunate to live within biking distance of pretty much everything I need to get to:
Work - 8 miles
Store - 6 miles
Church - 5 miles
Ice cream shop - 1 mile

Plus, I wanted to start a "new years resolution" early not to be all hipster, but to enjoy the nice new fall weather that I hear is going to start happening sometime soon-ish maybe just maybe.

So I better, like, buy some spare tubes for this.
TUBULAR.

Secondly, (going back to original subject of post) I went to the dentist today.

Nothing too earth shattering here. It took me 6 years to get just one cavity.
Also, I didn't realize that having "beautiful teeth" is such a nice compliment, but it is.
More motivation to stay away from sugar.

Thirdly, since I am going to have to start footing the bill for any medical expenses that may come my way, I started slightly super freaking out.

"You mean I have to pay for this out of my FUN MONEY?"

Fun money = that $50 or so of little cushion you kind of know you can spend without totally wrecking your aggressive investment plans.

"Sorry, guys. I can't go out to lunch this month. I had to go to the dentist last week."

This is life, man. This is what real life looks like for me now.

But it'll all be worth it if I can stick it out for a few more months. Just a few more months and then I can totally turn around and tea-bag the government.

Before I got my totally awesome job that I have today, I had a totally un-awesome job. But that job had a 3% matching SIMPLE IRA so I jumped on in because why not.

I'm not yelling at you; that's just what they're called.

So when I got my job last year, I discovered that you can't roll a SIMPLE into a 401(k).
This did not make sense to me because they're both tax-deferred until I'm wrinkly so who cares.
Whatever, I'll just sit on this money and sort of invest it until I find a better use for it.

And find a better use I did. Turns out you CAN roll an IRA into an HSA.
Apparently this is a one time deal, and I can only do up to the individual contribution limit ~$3,350 but that means I get to use it for medical expenses next year instead of 30 years from now.

Plus, I get to invest the HSA and earn stuff tax free and then use earnings to buy dental appointments and I pretty much just figured out how to give myself free healthcare for the next decade.

Isn't that great!?!?
So great.

And since the contribution limit is about half of the value in the account, it's almost like my prior employer is paying for it because I had that 3% match.
Thanks, prior employer. You're the best.

Summary in case my mom skimmed this:
I will bike 1600 miles in a year, I have beautiful teeth because the dentist said so, and I made a plan to roll my rather useless IRA into a useful HSA.

Not a bad day.

Fun fact: geometry means earth (geo) measurement (metry).
What did the acorn say when he grew up?

Gee, I'm a tree,
TWS

Rantsid Milk

I biked to the grocery store to pick up a few things.

What was really cool was that I wasn't the only person who biked there. Of course, I only ran in to get a few things of produce and beans, so it's not like I stopped to chat or anything.
I did engulf a banana I had purchased for that very reason before the ride home, and I got stopped by a train which was very, very loud.
6 miles there, 6 miles back with a nice late summer breeze.

I also saw a snake that had been run over with its head all mashed and bloody.
I wanted to pull out some chalk and write "Jesus wuz here". You know, crushing the head of the serpent and all.

So even though I haven't been posting on here recently, I have been blogging- just not on these internets. With all the back 2 skühl sales that went on the past few weeks, I bought some notebooks. I decided to keep one with me at all times in case I have a really good idea so that I don't forget it later.

For instance, this week I wrote:
Sam is like a potato in that you can mash him and sometimes he is sweet.
Sometimes he is bad though; you can see it in the eyes.

Judgey kitty eyes.

Something that has been very heavy on my heart recently is the blatant misuse of cars.
Specifically, idling cars.

In the words of Pete Adeney, a idling engine is like a bleeding wound or an overflowing toilet. Something to be alarmed at and correct immediately.

Yet every day in the parking at work whilst on my daily lunch walk, I see cars just idling away.
I guess people try to take naps on their lunch break. I don't know why else you would leave an air conditioned building just to sit in an air conditioned car.
Is there a greater waste?

One time, I drove by my friend's house so she could pick something up and then we would be on our way. I drove up near the back of her house, she got out, and I turned the car off to wait with the windows down.
A minute or so later, she came back out asking why I turned my car off.

I told the truth, "Because I didn't want to leave it on."
But there was a deeper truth, "Because it goes against my core beliefs about cars. They are for driving and not little air conditioned mobile pods where I indiscriminately use fossil fuels to make myself a trifle more comfortable."

People act like sweating is the worst thing that could ever happen to somebody.

When I take my walks at lunch they're all like, "Don't you get hot?"
Well, yeah. I mean, it's August in Georgia, and yeah, I'm a person so I sweat.

But for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me very much. It's just water leaving the body except it doesn't smell like pee and you don't have to go to the bathroom to do it. Sweating is cleansing in a way, but people act like it will turn them into some reeking slime-zoid.

Sweat really only bothers me when it's running down my face co-mingling with my sunscreen and getting in and stinging my eyes while I'm going over an interstate bypass on a bike.
But that's why I keep a towel on my handlebars.
Look at me, look at me. Hands in the air like it's good to be ALIVE and I'm a famous rapper even when the paths are all crookedy.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. I didn't realize that idling cars bothered me as much as sweat bothers other people.

Another thought I had is that cars are for driving and not for collecting.
I just can't get behind why a person would obtain (buy, inherit, steal, build, whatever) a car just for the sole purpose of having it.

This is almost comical to me. Cars just sitting in a garage covered up. Hogging good sheltered garage space that could be used for a vehicle you actually drive. Paying insurance and registration fees (and car payments if you're a real jughead) on something you rarely use.

"I don't want to drive it because I don't want to put the miles on it."
THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE THE CAR!?! Why why why?

What else are you going to do with that hunk of metal? Look at it?

You know what? You deserve a Sam doge meme.

~*~*oooh~*~* '92 Mustang. So phresh. Very car. Much impress.

.















This whole idea is a smh situation.

Unfortunately, it seems the greater majority of the population has already bought into the idea that idling and collecting cars is ok.

If you feel yourself starting to going along with it, just remember the Sam doge.
It can be a powerful reminder.

I can take apart the remote control and I can almost put it back together,
TWS

Handlebars; Flobots

The Night Of

0% of you will understand this post. I am simply writing it so that three weeks from now, I can look back and be like, "I was so right."

Or, "I was so wrong."

So. HBO. The Night Of. That's what we're talking about.
And this is all coming from my own brain. Not any internet spoilers or fan forums.

It was Freddy. He is the mastermind behind the whole thing. He is the drug lord that was out for blood or money. Andrea knew it was coming too, being all "I can't be alone tonight".

I just think he got Dwayne Reed (Duane Reade?) to do the dirty work for him with Trevor and the black lady cop to cover it all up and frame Nas.

Arguments:
1. First episode: black lady cop and her little friend were "supposed to be off duty 5 hours ago."
O rly? Then why were you still 'trolling around 2 hours after your shift ended?
She seemed mighty in a hurry to take Nas downtown. I think she is somehow related to Dwayne or Freddy.

2. Freddy is so incredibly connected. Even though he is in prison, he pretty much runs the prison. In a very Law-Abiding Citizen-esque way. I think that's why collusion with other parts of the civil service makes him the prime suspect.

3. Why else would Freddy take such an interest in Nas when he comes to the prison? He knows that he is responsible for him being there. Another thing/person to lord power over while instilling trust.

So that's my prediction.

The real mystery is why they keep showing so much of the lawyer's feet.
The cat, I get, because it's the link to the back door being open.
But the eczema? WHY!?!?!?

And they love to leave the refrigerator open,
TWS

Fare Thee Well

I'm feeling particularly introverted today.

Sometimes I google things like, "I don't want to hang out with my friends" to read forums where people share the same sentiments as me.

Or I watch this video and skip to 3:18 to remind myself that I am not the only person in the world who feels like this.
In fact, I'm married to a person just like this.

I guess I'm having trouble finding the line between selfishness vs being myself.

It's about to get really honest up in here. I hope you're ready for it.

So I feel like I'm a bad Christian because I don't like hanging out with people.
How can you show that you love someone without spending time with them?

One of the hardest things for me to do is to commit to some social engagement after work because it it takes so much energy.

Work already brings me from like 100% to about 35% (on Fridays, I'm at like 50% because I usually have the afternoons to myself). I use the remaining 35% of energy to make dinner, clean the house or the yard, exercise, and then some type of hobby to relax and recharge before I have to get up and do it all over again.

People think that the worst thing about working late is having to do work for later than usual.
No, no, no.
The worst thing about working late is having to be around people and noise and phones for that much longer, all the while knowing that the opportunity cost of working late is sweet, quiet time alone.

Weekends are hard to commit, too, because those two days are like a mini stay-cation  of free time and true rest.
Hanging out with people is not a relaxing activity to me. I love the days where I can just chill because there is no where I have to be and no one is expecting me to show up.

And this isn't your social-anxiety I-don't-want-to-hang-out-with-people-because-I-feel-judged-around-them.
It's just, I'd really just rather be alone.
It's not anything against you, it's just that I kind of feel like being alone right now.
And almost all of the other times you want to hang out.

I can't 'splain it. It just is.

So what's selfish and what's not?

Small talk is the worst,
TWS

5 O'Clock Shadow

A tetris tile-shaped comic for yer aye-bawlz:

Verily, verily, 

TWS

Future Me

There exists in an undetermined amount of time, God willing,  a person called Future Allie.

I'm always trying to do things in the present now so that Future Allie can enjoy the benefits later. Sometimes, though, I slack and leave decisions or chores to Future Allie, which is called "procrastination".
She hates that.

Most of the time though, I'm on top of my game, and Future Allie benefits greatly because of the diligence, consistency, and hard-work that I do. To spur her on even more, I wrote her a letter January 30th to be delivered on July 9th.

My notes are in bold italiceez.

 Dear Future Allie,

Are you still working at Gulfstream, and do you still like your job? Was it terrible having to work July 4th weekend and holiday?

This was written about a month after the RIF and there were rumors of another reduction after 1Q. Yes, I'm still working there, yes, I still like it, and yes, it was kind of terrible having to work that weekend.

I have some good news for you, though: IT'S SUMMER. You should, like, go to the pool every other day and the beach every other weekend. Take some friends from church or something.

Yes, I should. But I don't. Future Allie might, though.

What's the house debt looking like? Right now, it's about $170k, but Mike's about to pay it down next week to $167 something.

Almost at $150k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you probably get this a lot, but you should drink more water and eat more vitamins.

I have been drinking more water since I started working out more! Past Allie would be so proud. I don't take vitamins because I like to get them from real food. Although, iron supplements probably would be a good idea. 

Stay cool.

Love,
Me

I'm going to go write another letter to Future Allie 6 months from now. I use FutureMe.org, if you wanted to try it, too.
 
I wish there was format painter for blogspot because now my fonts are all messed up,
TWS

Pink Martini

TWS

Self-Aware

I fell down the stairs the other night.

I was carrying Sam and wearing socks and I guess I slipped because the next thing I know, I was on the floor with no cat, and I couldn't breathe or move.

When you haven't had the wind knocked out of you in a really long time, it is really scary.
Actually, it's really scary any time it happens.

Mike came rushing to the scene, of course. Thankfully, I was able to start breathing again and get up with no spinal injuries. My back was sore for two days, and now it's fine, but my butt...

Oh, my poor butt.

I bruised it so bad that the bruise didn't even want to show up for a day and a half.
And then it got black. And then it got yellow. And now it's kind of green but also purple and more tender than 4-piece chicken nuggets.

Remember when you used to be able to get 5 chicken nuggets for $1?
And then they went up to like $1.19 but they still had spicy chicken nuggets for $1?
But now they don't have either.
They have like 10 chicken nuggets plus a drink for like $5.99 (ridonkey donk) and 4 chicken nuggets for a $1.

And the bruise on my butt is more tender than any of them.

But I'm a workin' man! I can't just take a day off because I fell down some stairs!
Come on, now, kid; let's get up and go do some HIIT running!!!!!

So I went to go do said running.
Because of good genes and the 30+ squats I do every day, I have some junk in my trunk.
Some boom boom in my bass.
Some maximus on my gluteus.

And I did not realize how bouncy I was until I went running with that bruise because every step, every jog, every wiggle, every waggle...

I felt it.

I felt the gravitational pull of the earth dragging my bruised butt down with it and then popping it back up when I hopped to the other foot.

At first, it startled and surprised me. Like that time I figured out that "Big K" cola comes from Kroger and not K-Mart.

But then the events of the night before came flooding into my memory.

I still did the HIIT, though, because I felt badass even when my ass felt bad.

The quiet things that no one ever knows,
TWS

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows; Brand New

Strong Feelings

Do you ever wish that you cared more about something than you do?
Or that you could like someone more than you do?

What if you could strengthen your feelings with the click of a button?

Now with Duolingo, you can.

...

Meinertzhagen's Haversack,

TWS

Achievement

omgomgomgomgomguys
I finally did it.

I finally biked to work.
And guess what.

It was fantastic. Here is why:

1. I did in 40 minutes! (that's like 12 miles an hour, but it's okay because I had 9 stoplights.) It essentially doubles my commute time.
2. It was a beautiful 74 degrees this morning and my ride was mostly in the shade.
3. I was 30 minutes early to work and I woke up 30 minutes early which means....

If I get all my crap together the night before, I don't have to wake up early to bike to work.

Isn't that the most wonderful news you've heard all week?
Yes. Yes it is.

4. Nobody, like, bothered me about biking to work. I talked to a couple of my coworkers coming in, but that was pretty much it. Nobody was in my face yelling at me about how dangerous it was.
5. It was relatively easier than what I had to bike to my old job. Not only was it 2 miles shorter, but there are a lot fewer left turns (and none on the way home) and Pooler Parkway is way less traff-icky than Hwy 80.

Only two regrets:
1. My groin is so sore. Why can't banana seats be as soft as actual bananas?
2. I should've done this a year ago.

And don't worry; I've got a multimedia blog post coming about that time I went to Europe.

In the meantime...

Background music "Some Dreams I've Had" © by Allie Jansen.

Remember when I used to be a Jansen,
TWS

Leaky Waterbottles

I wish I could manually write or draw my blogs.
But then you guys wouldn't be able to read them.

Let me ignore the fact that I haven't updated in 3 weeks and tell you about some beast mode that went on today.

So you know how like a year and a half ago I was all into
BIKING TO WORK!
YEAH!
I'M SO B-A
IT'S ALL MY COWORKERS EVER ASK/YELL AT ME ABOUT

And then I got a new, better job that's even closer to my house and has bike racks and I never have biked to work?

Yeah, I've been living the cushy life.
Sitting in traffic and all.
But I do HIIT jumprope sometimes, so there.

Anyway. So I got all #inspired to go on a bike ride this afternoon.

I was only going to go 8 miles, which is a little more than my actual commute would be.
Then I started going, and I had some fierce headwinds, and then I was like nah, brah, I'm only going to go 6. Go down to '17 (3-ish miles from my house) and then turn around and go back.

But when I got to '17, I was like, "I can keep going to Ottawa farms. Let's go to Ottawa farms."

And then I got to Ottawa farms, and I was like, "Holy crap! I feel great! Let's see where this road goes. I hope it goes to 80 so that I can just loop around to my house."

It sure did.

Pro tip: eat deli meat and grapes right before you ride.

Total mileage ended up being 9.7 miles!!! It's not the mileage I accomplished that's amazing.

It's really these other things:

1. I have not biked in months and was able to go that far and still feel great.

2. It took me 50 minutes, and my 10 mile commute used to take me an hour at least. Granted, this was all right turns, but I was still in traffic, bae.

3. I AM NOT EVEN SORE. Like, not even in the crotch. What is happening. This is great. I think I like exercising.

4. I got to see some baby geese. They weren't baby chicks, but they hadn't gotten their black feathers yet either. They were in the ugly-duckling stage and it was sooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuute.

5. I found a park I didn't know about in Bloomingdale.

6. When I got to 80, it brought back all the early-morning memories I had of commuting by bike back in the day. Just for fun, I rode really fast on the sidewalks and was crushing it.

It was awesome. It was just a ride like this that gives me the confidence that I could really bike to work with no problem. Given my speed today, I think it would only add 20 minutes to my commute.

Which is great, because I've been waking up naturally at 6:30 with the sun all up in my eyes and stuff.

So we'll see what happens.
And yes, I'll tell you about it.

Ride it like you stole it,
TWS

Istanbul

Sometimes you just have to wonder if things were planned.

eos lip balm

lychee fruit, of the soapberry variety

Stuff that looks like other stuff,
TWS

Locusts & Honey

Mike: You know who I picture John the Baptist as?
Me: Who?
Mike: Tom Bombadil.

Me: Yeah, I can see that.

TWS

Project March: Part 3

This post will only be for six days because I'm going to pick up tomorrow in the next post.
I know I'm being slightly inconsistent, but you probably wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't told you.

I'm also way more quote-y in this post. So, there's that.

And now here's this:

March 14

This is me sitting at a lake (pond?) in our neighborhood. Mike and I got to take a walk after work and before dinner.

These plans are picturesque, like mountains in the midwest.
-Designer Skyline; Owl City

March  15

I got an Amazon gift card for doing some things and some stuff (I'm a very descriptive writer, I know), and I was like I AM FINALLY GOING TO GET TO BUY A LAWN CHAIR.

And today, my Ostrich beach chaise came in the mail. It's like a lower-sitting elongated lawn chair made out of fabric and metal and not biodegradable plastic.

Anyone who's ever had to restring lawn chairs (Mum) knows what I'm talking about.

kitty face.

What's cool about this one- and was its primary selling feature to me- was the face hole.

So that you can lay on your stomach and read a book. How cool is that?!?

And then I found some pretty weeds in my yard.

I should probably go mow.

March 16

Today I'm going to showcase a little bad-assity.

Below is a photo of our taxes that I did by hand (pretty much) because the "free e-file" software is no longer "free". I used the "free forms" which calculates some things, but I still had to do the goofy choreography of the qualified dividends and capital gains tax worksheet by myself, which is a lot like trying to swing dance with a robot.

Since this is our first time married filing joint, it's a blessing and kind of a downer to have income that exceeds the thresholds for these easy one-stop-shop tax softwares.

I don't know why I felt like a badass after I completed them. I mean, that's what I did in my career for 3 years, and that's how my dad always had to do them.

I just really felt like I stuck it to the man today.

And it felt good.

Another thing I did was fix my $10 Wal-Mart watch. The wristband was about to break off because it is made with the biodegradable plastic I mentioned earlier.

Since the watch still keeps perfectly good time, I did not want to have to buy a new watch just for the band, so I just sewed it back together.

With purple thread to match of course.

"Allie, omg. This day is just about how cheap you are."
-You

No, my dear. Cheap vs. frugal. Miserly vs. economical. There be a difference.

"Waste not."
-Barbossa

what a badass.

March 17

Also with my Amazon gift card, I was able to purchase an exercise ball, which came in the mail today.

They're like challenging hippity-hops for grown-ups.

oh no, does that mean I'm a grown-up now?

This is me making fun of people who think it's an appropriate chair to use at work:

Forget everything you knew about ab workouts.

March 18

Guys. Did you know that the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was on Netflix?

I didn't either until last night, and then I stayed up late to watch it.

It's such a good movie, too, and much better than I remember. It epitomizes the angst of being a teenage girl and I love love love it because you can see a part of you in all four of them.

Some of you may not know this, but back in high school, I kind of had my own sisterhood, in a way.

*BONUS PICTURE*

Throwback Thursday er- Friday

Bridget - Me, the flirty athletic blonde
Tibby - Sara, the thoughtful movie-nut
Lena - Emma, the well-read romantic
Carmen - Kristen, the self-doubting sweetheart

No, we never had a magical pair of pants that fit us all, but we were really good friends for a couple years.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was a great story, though.
It made me want to go the beach again.

March 19

So then I went to the beach.

I called up a friend and we spontaneously drove to Tybee. It was a little cloudy for my liking and the water was very cold, but I still walked along the surf while we talked about things like God and life and shampoo and marriage.

It's always ourselves we find in the sea.
-e.e. cummings

TWS

Project March: Part 2

The (true) story continues.

March 7

Today was a pretty rough 11 hour day. It wouldn't have been so terrible had it not been for the 8 hour headache I had.

In the spirit of omg-can-this-day-just-be-over, I present a very unimpressive picture of the bed I flopped down on today after mauling a Wendy's chicken sandwich with my mouth.

I will also note that I did not cry today, so that's how you know it didn't break me. It was just a bad day. Those are allowed to happen, right?

March 8

Today was an awesome day. It was perfect weather for a convertible, and when I came home from work, I got to spend so much time sewing and playing guitar. A perfect hobby day.

Don't worry: I took the picture in the parking lot and not while I was driving. You can tell by the way my hair isn't all over the place/my face.

March 9 

Today I came home and I actually felt like cooking, so I actually cooked.
I made "African Chicken Stew" - Mike calls it "African Lion"- and mushroom-raisin couscous.

I know. I'm fancy.

Here are a few of the ingredients:
Main: chicken
Vegetable: carrots, onion, stewed tomatoes, bell pepper, chickpeas
Seasonings: olive oil, garlic, cinnamon, cumin, turmeric, pepper, honey
(and then you serve it on top of the couscous and it is soooooooooooo good)

What was cool was that after I ate the African Chicken Stew, I was able to run like an African.

Early today, I signed up for the Gulfstream 5k happening April 9th. I was like, "Hmmmm. I haven't run a whole 5k since when I was training for my bridge run - before December."

And then I walked outside and ran a whole 5k. Like, I ran the whole thing.
Actually, I did 3.25 miles like an overachiever. It took me 38 minutes, but whatevs.
Looks like I won't have to train hard, if at all, for the 5k in April.
I just gotta eat some African Chicken Stew beforehand.

March 10

I went to my friend's house to help her clean out and organize things for her neighborhood yard sale.
We found a couple of interesting things... like this mustache and a piece of flare that says, "Question Reality" as I am modeling here.

Cecelia was like, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you really look like a man."

March 11

Instead of going out for dinner like Mike and I normally do on Fridays, we decided to have leftovers and then play football in the backyard. It was great.

I also had Mike take a lot of pictures of me and Sam. Sometimes I forget how massive he really is until we take a full body-size picture of him which reveals that, yeah, he's like the size of my torso.

The whole unabridged photo shoot:

This one's my favorite.

March 12

I woke up today to lovely birdsong like Cinderella and decided to have my quiet time outside in the beautiful weather this morning.

Coffee with Christ. You should try it some time.

Being outside reading the Bible and having coffee at 9:30 on a Saturday morning is so much better than being inside working on tax returns for no additional compensation at 9:30 on a Saturday morning.

TRUE STORY.

March 13

Why isn't daylight savings time obsolete yet?
I am so tired today and still got like 9.5 hours of sleep.
What is up.

I'll tell you what's up.
40 pins.
18 pleats.
1 skirt.

That's what's up.
Or, rather, it's going to be up on the day I sew the pleats and connect it to the bodice.
But today is not that day.

"Sleep was a thing invented by people to sell mattresses."
-Mike Harshner

TWS