It occurred to me that I haven't done some honest, hard-core creative writing in a while. Mike is afraid that I make him sound like a d-bag in this story. I promise you that my boyfriend is not a d-bag, but he does admit to being a troll.
And now, I present to you:
The Appendectomy: A Theatrical Production
A short time ago in the land of the Avala, a young couple that
plight troth encountered a troubling kismet. Shortly after sunset, the couple decided to
make ham sausage gently encased in croissants, otherwise known as “Pigs-in-a-blanket”.
“Darling, these shall be quite delicious!” Michaelango
proclaimed from the room where living occurs.
“Indeed, my love! Though I shall have not more than one, for
I am still full from our earlier feast,” replied Alice, who was actually
referring to a Wendy’s chicken sandwich she had engulfed earlier.
The couple sat down to play a merry game of pirates
featuring Lego toys as characters.
Do not pass judgment on such an activity. (Markus)
Soon, the croissants were golden and lightly crisped. Alice
carefully took them out of the oven.
“These. Are. Amazing.” Michaelangelo declared.
“I’m oddly not hungry, but I must give these a try, “Alice
said, “Split one?”
The flaky pastry combined with the sweet meat of precious
yet poached pigs sent joy and merriment to the surface of Alice’s face.
“Goodness! These are so much better than I had ever dreamed
they would be!”
The twosome returned to their virtual pirate activities,
while snacking on such a delightful combination of meat and bread.
Sun had long been set, and the couple yawned as more and
more pirate gold was collected.
“Darling, I do not feel well.” Alice alleged.
“Neither do I, fair maiden,” replied Michaelangelo, “But
that is hardly rare for me.”
Alice went to her chamber concerned, for she was not
accustomed to such an ache of the stomach. It felt as though she had eaten too
much, but ‘twas only a sandwich and three small piglets!
She sighed, lacking tums in her medicine cabinet, and hoped
that sleep would quell the angry beast that had taken residence underneath her
navel.
Writhing into the wee hours of the morning in a restless
slumber did no good save for move the angry beast to the right of her small, limber
stomach.
Much later, Michaelangelo woke to sunrise and clean
pantaloons.
“Good morrow, my love! Dost thou feel like a princess on
this fine morning?”
“No, not at all,” said Alice, “Does your stomach still hurt?”
“Not once! I am very tired, though. But I absolutely cannot
wait until this fantastical weekend. We can play tennis, and mini-golf and go
out to a fine dinner this evening…”
“Will you be home for lunch?” Alice interrupted.
“Aye. I’m off to attend meetings about budget reports and
labor rates! Get some rest and feel better, m’lady!” Michaelangelo then got
into his Dodge Chariot and rode to the kingdom where employment happens, which
is not Savannah where no one, apparently, is employed. Ever.
Meanwhile, Alice curled up under the covers, but she could
not get comfortable. She began trembling uncontrollably because she seemed to
be cold. She turned up the thermostat to 80, put on a jacket and socks in
addition to her sleeping blouse and trousers, and huddled like a stray cat
betwixt the covers and pillows of her bedchamber. The quivering continued for
one half of the hour, and then she finally slept for another, but still with a
pain in her paunch.
Normally Alice would devour a copious breakfast of Bran of
Raisin, Rice of Crisp, or Meal of Oat. This morning, however, she did not. Two
small strawberry yogurts sufficed, for she did not feel like eating anymore.
She feared that the beast in her belly would protest and bring her breakfast to
an abrupt and embarrassing end.
She didn’t know what brought the thought of “appendicitis”
into her head, but upon Googling the word and its symptoms, she knew that this
beast inside of her was no ordinary animal. She then sent for her mother and
when reached she inquired, “How do you know if you have appendicitis?”
A brief and tearful conversation with her forebearer made
Alice decide that she must go see a doctor immediately!
Michaelangelo returned on his mahogany steed.
“Darling. I think I have appendicitis,” Alice greeted him at
the door.
“What? No, dear. I think you are over-reacting. Come lay
down with me,” Michaelangelo suggested because he likes to take power naps at
lunch.
“But what if I’m under-reacting?” countered Alice, “What if
I have to go to the hospital and get it cut out of me? What if I DIE?”
*snore* “You won’t die, silly,” Michaelangelo replied. “It
might just be an infection and they will probably just give you some
antibiotics. Are you going to let me sleep or what?”
“No because I really hate that alarm when it goes off. “
Alice said.
It was true. This
alarm clock had an innocent exterior, but made a horrible and boisterous sound
when the alarm went off.
“I know. That’s why I set it.”
“So you set the alarm because you know when it goes off it
will annoy me?” Alice inquired.
Michaelangelo smiled.
“You troll,” Alice sneered.
“Well, let me know what happens when you go see the doctor.
I will be in more meetings all afternoon, so you will not be able to contact me
by phone. Please send any messages on parchment post-hence through the
cyberwebs.”
And with that, Michaelangelo was off to another exciting afternoon
in the world of employment, and kissed and bid Alice farewell at the threshold.
Alice traversed to a deceptive little shop called “Urgent
Care.” After filling out paperwork and doubled over in pain, she paid the nurse
to call the “doctor” into say, “There’s nothing we can do for you here. You
need to go to the emergency room. It could be appendicitis or an ovarian cyst.”
The place was highly deceptive because it was neither “urgent,” nor was it much
“care”. Additionally, the scale said
that Alice weighed 119 pounds, a number far too great to be true.
Weeping uncontrollably, Alice returned to Avala to find
directions to the hospital. Like so many times before, she wished she had a
Phone of lowercase “i” so that she could email dear Michaelangelo to inform him
of all of her miserable trials and so that she could use the navigation built into
the extremely useful device to find the hospital so as to evade near and
certain death.
She then set out on her voyage to the room of emergency. She
cried bitterly; mostly because of the pain, partly for being so lonesome in such
pain and partly because of that scene in the Fox and the Hound where the old
lady has to leave the fox behind in the forest and he is so alone and because
that is a REALLY SAD PART OF THAT MOVIE.
At last, Alice arrived, and the nurse hastened to taketh her
temperature. Alas! One hundred it was, a furious fever was still at hand. She
was rushed into an adjacent room where personal and slightly intrusive questions
were asked. Soon, she was taken into room 14 and told to give a sample of a
golden shower. Cleverly hiding the specimen in her jacket, Alice was certain to
avoid the “walk of shame” down the hallway. She still had her wits about her in
the crowded and bustling hospital.
Erik joined Alice in room 14 and asked her strange questions
about her religion and if she had a will or not. It was only then did it really
occur to her that she could actually die that day. She did not fear death,
though; she only feared a future without Michaelangelo.
She sent him a grim parchmental text: “I’m in the ER at St.
Joseph’s in Savannah. It’s not looking good.”
Suddenly, Alice was booted from room 14 for a hollering
elderly woman who had just recently broken her neck. Alice was summoned to a
small bed in the corridor where her blood was drawn in front of God and the
hospital audience (everyone).
The doctor inquired, “Do you giveth thine blood to others?”
Alice replied, “No.”
“You should!” the doctor replied, “Your veins have great
blood-giving potential!”
“Good to know, “Alice awkwardly replied. The doctor
explained how nurses normally draw blood, but all of them were summoned to the
other side of the hospital so they were low on staff and, in short, there were
people more important than Alice’s condition was.
A fellow from the Far East was called to provide Alice with
unknown pain-relieving substances. They made her throat and head feel bizarre,
and she felt very weak and tired. She then lay down, in front of God and
everyone, on the bed in the middle of the hospital corridor. Later, she was
instructed to drink a beverage from a beaker that tasted like apple juice,
tonic, and terror. This would make the
CT scan clearer to determine what kind of beast was eating Alice from the
inside out.
“You do not need to guzzle it,” instructed the man from the
Far East. He smelled like smoke. Alice always finds it ironic when people who
work in places of healing smoke and do detrimental things to their bodies. But
such is life.
And guzzled it she did. Alice wanted nothing more than to be
free of the hospital and pain, and if drinking the terror cider would speed the
process, then she was well on her way to recovery. Finally, she was moved out
of the busy corridor into room 15 where she fell into a drugged and hazy stupor.
“She’s in here?” said a muffled voice outside of room 15.
“Yes,” said a voice farther away.
The door opened, and Michaelangelo strode into see his dear paramour
dozing on the bed.
“Michael! You came!” Alice joyfully cried and embraced
Michaelangelo with her weak arms.
“Of course I came! And I brought you Pandy…and a blanket…and
I left the laptopbag in the car. But I put the pirate movies on there and other
movies that we can watch later…”
“You are by far the best
boyfriend evarrrrr!!!!!!!!” Alice proclaimed, “And I’m on drugs.”
“I see,” observed Michaelangelo.
Now that her pain and loneliness issues had been calmed for
the time being, the only thing Alice had left to cry about was the scene from
the Fox and the Hound. But she did not do that. She was for once happy that
day, and with Michaelangelo by her side, she felt like everything was going to
be okay.
And it was.
Eventually.
There was still a quarrelling beast within that had only
been stunned by drugs circulating Alice’s bloodstream. The doctor came in to
prepare Alice to do the CT scan, and everything went as it should.
Outside in the hallway, waiting for “transport”, Michaelango
stood by Alice’s bedside and stroked her long, beautiful, blonde hair.
“Look! It’s Nuclear Medicine!” Alice pointed to a sign near
a doorway. “Is this Resident Evil?”
“Well, your name is
Alice…”Michaelangelo noted.
Back in room 15, the pain returned and Alice thrashed in and
out of sleep. Michaelangelo entertained his phone and comforted Alice as they
waited on the CT readings from the surgeon.
Hours later, the surgeon arrived. There appeared to be minor
swelling in Alice’s appendix, so it was the onset of acute appendicitis. But there
was nothing cute about the pain through which Alice was going. They agreed to
remove the beastie through a laparoscopic procedure, using three small
incisions instead of one large gash.
This was Alice’s first time being a patient in the hospital since birth,
and it was certainly her first surgery. She was not scared, though. She was
brave as they asked her more personal questions and asked her to disrobe and be
clothed in a backless, bloomy, pillowcase with armholes.
“I am so glad you’re here!” she whispered to Michaelangelo.
“I love you so much,” Michaelangelo whispered back.
The friendly staff then donned Alice with a blue cap and
wheeled her into the surgical suite. The last thing she remembered was being
slid onto a different bed in the room.
Alice awoke to a plastic tube itching her nose. She removed
it.
“Oxygen” they said.
But there was no air coming out of it. There were so many
wires connected to her, and she was in the far corner of the surgical room. She
requested water and they gave her ice chips, which she supposed was better than
nothing.
She asked about dear Michaelangelo,
but the women could not tell her his whereabouts. She assumed that he went home
and would be back in the morning. She drifted in and out of sleep and was
finally placed in a dark room at 2 am.
“I MUST CALL MIKE” she decided when she awoke and demanded the nurse show
her how to use the phone. She then proceeded to leave eight messages on
Michaelangelo’s phone about how bad she wanted cheeseburgers and popcorn and
water. At four in the morning, a nurse came in to take vital signs. Alice’s
fever was gone, and so was her appendix.
At 7:30 in the morning, a nurse brought her a tray with
coffee, chicken broth, jello, apple juice, and Italian ice. A strict
clear-liquid diet. She attempted to call Michaelangelo, but he still couldst
not be reached.
Just when she was getting bored, Michaelangelo busted
through the door, wearing the same clothes as he did yesterday.
“You didn’t go home?” Alice asked him.
“No! I slept in my car. They never called me back like they
said they would when you got out of surgery. I wanted to be here. I missed you!!”
he replied.
“And I missed YOU!” she said and attempted to reach for him
but the pain of reaching reminded her that she had stiches in her side. She
looked at her stomach; there were three shallow gashes. The one near her navel
was the largest and deepest. Her skin was orange from iodine, and the wounds
had a clear glue over the incisions. It was apparent that the beast had tried
to climb its way out of her. Or, she reconciled, that’s how a laparoscopic appendectomy
is done.
“I really want to watch the second pirates movie," she
confided in Michaelangelo.
“Consider it done, my love,” Michaelangelo replied and set
up the technology to make his princess’s wish come true.
A few hours later, the nurse announced that Alice could go
home that morning.
“Can I keep this mug?” she asked the nurse.
“Yes, and you may also have the box of tissues,” the nurse
offered.
Alice declined though. She knew there would be no sadness
today.
“A giant mug for an appendix?” quipped Michaelangelo, “that’s
a fair trade!”
She had to perambulate slowly so as to not stretch the
stiches, but Alice strode out of the hospital not even twelve hours after her
surgery.
Michaelangelo then drove Alice to the apothecary in his
Dodge Chariot, and she acquired drugs of the Percocet and hell-ish sort. She
lulled about that weekend in recovery, but she had survived and was determined
to make physical progress every day in terms of bending over and walking.
The appendectomy was a painful episode, but Alice resolved
that it was an experience she would never have to repeat. After all, you can’t
have appendicitis if you don’t have an appendix.
And Michaelangelo and Alice lived happily ever after.
~TWS
