Starfish

I realized I will have a degree in 42 days, so I started planning out the sorts of things I could do with said degree.

1. Become a "team member" at a KFC.

Pros: free fried chicken when the boss isn't looking

Cons: Minimum wage under terrible management.

2. Start a taxi cab service.

Business plan:

a. Buy a really cheap beat-up vehicle

b. Paint it school bus yellow so that people know it's a taxi

c. Perform other necessary repairs and maintenance to get vehicle up to taxi-cab status

d. Deduct all expenses on schedule C of tax return

e. Live life like it's CRAZY TAXI. 

3. Be a stay-at-home mom.

I'd be responsible for taking the kids that I won't have to soccer practice, cooking delicious meals, and replacing the Glade plug-ins when they start to not smell good anymore. 

4. Go into government work.

Pros: I'd be like Leslie Knope!

Cons: I'd never get a pay raise!

5. Start materializing all my Business Ideas and proposing them to patent attorneys.

Mike and I actually came up with another one today: scratch and sniff scantrons.

6. I could do random jobs around the city. Like- I could be a poll worker.

Funny story- true story:

People have to report the income they get from working at the polls, so they get sent a little slip that tells them how much they made, kind of like a mini 1099. 

On a couple of tax returns I've done, the papers that the government provided said "Pole Worker".

I lol'd because that's like another name for a stripper.

You would have had to have been there. 

7. I like farms. 

8. I could be a DAY TRADER.

I could just sit in my apartment, drink coffee, and sell and buy stock all day long.

9. I could sell insurance.

Haha- no I couldn't. I'm not even completely sure how insurance works, and I'm really bad at selling stuff.

Except for candy. 

I'm uncannily successful at selling candy.

10.  I could be a medical billing specialist and work from home!

I'm not really sure what this is about, but there are always ads for it in my Sudoku book.

I'm burned out, guys.
Like- reeeeeeeeal burned out.
I've become this very unpleasant stressball with a minimal appetite and stupid sleeping patterns.
Why else would I be blogging at 2 in the morning?

Sure, I got- like- amazing grades on my last two tests, but that no longer makes me happy.
Like what am I really accomplishing by making good grades? Why do I always have to go that extra flipping mile?
Before it was to get money for scholarships or to be outstanding in a group of job applicants.
Now I just think I have a personality flaw.

Side bar: writing is what I'm REALLY sick of doing, which is ironic because I really enjoy this blog!
Studying I can handle, but it's writing long, stupid papers and current events and proposals and cases about my opinion that teachers just really skim for grammatical errors instead of content that I cannot stand.
The amount of research that is involved is atrocious.
And heaven forbid you double space your citation- OH GOODNESS NO.

And that, folks, is where all my weekends go.

So besides the first 10 ridiculous suggestions for occupation listed above, I would really like to start looking for real, good accounting jobs where I could make a fine buck doing what I like.

But will I?

Take the road you want to take because you want to take it.

Yes.

TWS

Prongs

MY BETHFRIEND BETH TURNED 21 TODAY!
So make sure you stop by Facebook and leave her something nice.
Like a cupcake.
Or a mute chihuahua.

(I actually don't know if she would like a chihuahua. It's just a really fun word to type. It's all like chihuahuahuahauhauhauhuhauahuahua like it's laughing or something)

I was in the toothpaste aisle in Wal-Mart today, and I've decided that there are too many types of toothpaste. Every time I have to buy toothpaste, I have this overwhelming experience arising from the following factors:

1. Price
2. Ounce-age
3. Cost/benefit analysis between price and ounce-age, which takes like 15 minutes because there are like 57 differently sized and priced tubes of toothpaste
4. What my mother would recommend or scorn
5. What people would think if they found out I brushed my teeth with ___________ brand of paste.

It's really stressful to buy toothpaste. On one hand, I get to experience a brand new flavor for a while.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Operation Coffee Break is bringing in mixed results:
Sunday, I slept through an entire zombie apocalypse. True story.
Boyfriend rented Resident Evil 4, and I did economics homework and then fell asleep on the couch.
Best. Nap. Ever.
Monday, I got really sick at work and had to leave early.
And so I guess today has been my first successful day without coffee.

Yay, me.

Also, 3 wonderful things happened to me today.
Unfortunately, none of them are appropriate for the internet.

Apollo apologizes,
TWS

Pilots

I finally had a pleasant conversation with Cleverbot today.
At first, she was being condescending like usual- saying that the rum is always gone because I always drink it.
Psh.
But then we started talking in French, and then she told me she loved me, called me sweet, and then I left before it got ugly.

It always eventually gets ugly with Cleverbot.
I care way too much what she thinks about me.

There was this girl on the bus, and she was wearing these shorts that loved drugs and alcohol.
They were so high, and they were so wasted.
They were so high-waisted.

That one was better in my head.
Like everything usually is...

So let me tell you about Project Mayonnaise.

 SO GOOD.

 BECAUSE THE MAYONNAISE IS A LIE.

What you're seeing is me eating cheesecake pudding that I put into a mayonnaise jar.

True story.

I haven't worn eyeliner in a while.
I should probably get into that.

Abstract and still well read,
TWS

Bucket

I've been sick recently, and I almost died in a coughing fit on the third floor.

It was kind of scary, but to tell you the truth (because that's what I do here), I was more concerned that I was annoying everyone with my coughing and less concerned that my throat was tightening up so much that I couldn't breathe.

I think it would be epic to be found sprawled out on the floor next to the teachers' bathrooms.
Then people would say, "Oh my gosh! She might've lived if only she had been able to get to the restroom!"
And then, to avoid a lawsuit, they would remove the STUPID teacher locks on the STUPID bathroom doors so that everyone could use them.
And then they would dedicate the bathrooms to and name them after me.  :D

But that is just an aside.

I think it's weird that when people are sick, they say something glib like, "I'm under the weather today."

Aren't we all under the weather? Every day?
Unless you're in a plane, above the weather.
But I guess if you're sick and you're in a plane above the weather, then you could be using the figure of speech figuratively.

I found out that La Berry has double punch Tuesdays.
I'm going to start having double punch Tuesdays where I double punch intermediate accounting into next week.
And it will be there next week. And also the week after.
All the way through April.
But then after April:

Sorry, Biff. It was too great to keep just between us.  

International accounting has met me half way and started getting interesting. I even learned how Ponzi schemes work today. I think it would be really stressful to commit fraud.

*Mike said something clever*
Me: I ADORE you!
Mike: Yeah, I like you, too.
Me: What are we, French?

Je t'aime! Je t'aime! Je t'aime!
(all 3 can mean "I like/love/adore you")

True story.

Everything's cooler in Pooler,
TWS

Joe

I think I'm going to stop drinking coffee for a little while.
It'll be a -get this- coffee break.

You lol'd and you know it.

It just doesn't do what it did in 11th grade, and it tastes so much worse than it used to.

3 years ago: "Oh no! I spilled some coffee!"
Now: "Oh good! That's less of it I have to drink!"

I don't know if it's me or the coffee that changed.

Nothing tastes,
TWS

Shuffleboard

I love the way I manage money.
Not a lot of people can say that.

Though not very many people would understand the way I manage money.
I have this folder called "expenses" where I keep track of things on 5 different pieces of a paper. And then I have like 5 or 6 "sub-accounts" where I allocate my paycheck accordingly.
Encumbrances, as it were.

When I told Mike, he was like, "Your bank lets you do that!?!?!?!"
No, son. I do that.

It's like a rolling budget, and it works! I've been saving a good chunk of every paycheck for this summer when I won't have a paycheck and move to Pooler. So far, I have all of June, July, and August paid for, assuming gas hovers around $4.50. Yeah, I went ahead and did the pessimistic scenario.

Now watch it be like $6.75 a gallon. But that's okay! That's where my "free money" account comes in! It's like fund balance. It's designed to cover wherever the other accounts come up short.

My favorite part about the way I manage money is when I completely forget about things.
Like that time I withdrew x amount of cash for a certain ski trip and only spent 12, so today when I came across an envelope that is filled with (x-12), I become very happy.

I should write a book or something. I'd be like Dave Ramsey but far less shrewd. Granted, I don't have bills to pay, but then again, I'm only making like $4800 a year.

And yet all my dreams are still coming true.

Boogie woogie frugal boy of Company B,
TWS

The Bike Ward

I came across a song I wrote some time ago.
It didn't have a title or an ending, but I did rock some cool D and Asus chords.
Here are some lyrics:

I walked out the door then I left
And I was gone just like that
But I can't feel forlorn
'Cause I know that I'm gonna come back
When it's over


I'll be home to enjoy the Christmas lights
And I can attend quilt group on Monday nights
and I will sing all the carols with unusual glee
Because no more will I have to leave come January
When it's over


In spring we can hang the clothes out on the line
We'll garden and sew in all our free time
We'll make dresses and skirts all adorned with frills
And I'll see my flowerbed in bloom with daffodils
When it's over


And in summer we'll stay cool
While we pick blackberries out by the pool
And then bring them all in to make blackberry wine
Because I'll be 21 by the time
It's over


That's as far as I got. But as I was paging through it, I was like, I will be 21 by that time.
And then it hit me:

I'LL BE 21 IN 38 DAYS.

Which means I can complete life goal #4. And, no, that's not the one where I pass out.

I was this close: |___| to filling out the "Graduate with Absentia" form today.
I couldn't quite do it, though.
I have this sneaky suspicion that come May, I will all of the sudden REALLY WANT TO GO and graduate with all the friends that I don't have.

So I made a meme out of myself that personifies my idiosyncrasies.

I need a better picture, though. 

One where I look slightly less like a sorority girl and more like a person who knows how to do both the direct and indirect method to prepare the statement of cash flows.

If you know what I mean.

Yes, it's probably arrogant, and yes, I will probably end up skipping graduation, and yes, cashews are really a fruit and the nut that we eat is just the top part of it. 

There is no such thing as a happy camper,

TWS

Just Now

I was getting ready to study, and as I turned on my desk lamp, I thought, "I'd be screwed if this bulb went out. I think I've only replaced it once, so I may have to go out and buy a new one some time."

And then, just as I turned on the lamp, the bulb flickered and went out.
I turned the switch again and again and screamed, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then the light was like, "O rly? lol" and started working again.

I think I'm a wizard.

Wet nap,
TWS

Quick & Dirty

One weekend, I tried to learn to ski
But I could not for the life of me
On the slopes I broke down
So I went into town
and shopped in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

True story.
I found some brown corduroys at Gap for like $9.
And then I bought a really cool hat to top it off.

Wow. That was a poem, a picture, and a pun.
And alliteration.

I win today.

9-9-6-6-9,
TWS

Science Project Trash

I worked on a farm today.

It's not what you think, though.
I wasn't haulin' hay or feedin' the hogs.
And the summer sun didn't have me sweatin' like a dog.
And I sure didn't fall in love with the farmer's daughter.

Thank you, Rodney Atkins.

Instead, I had to expense weird things, like "hay rings" and "tattoo ink" and "semen".
True story.
Apparently they breed cattle around here.

Happier than a pig in sherbet,
TWS

Letters to Everyone

Dear Bra Straps,

Why must you dominate my laundry?

What could you possibly gain from tying my garments into one long, inescapable string?
Please be more like Strapless Bra, who gets washed without causing a riot.

Dear Dad,

I have realized that getting yelled at for making ice not perfect in the past has made me very anal toward the way my roommates make ice. It's like they don't understand the concept of "cube". It's just one large crunchy ice block with some grooves in it.
Never will I return to my rough and rowdy ways.

Also, if you're serious about doing that geothermal energy system, you may be eligible for a tax credit up through 2016.

Dear International Accounting,

Please try to be less boring. I know it's difficult for you, but I'm just asking you to try.

Dear Sam,

WHY ARE YOU SO CUTE??!?!?!?!

ALL OF THE TIME?!?!?!?!

Dear Self,

I really wonder if you could get make money by selling clothes on eBay. You should try this out one day when you're bored in August. In any case, small business sounds way fun, so you should totally start your own when you get out of college. All you need is a client base and some printer ink, and I'll be right there with you every step of the way.

Also, cherry tomatoes are gross and will always be gross, so stop trying to eat one every so often thinking that your tastes have changed because they haven't.

Stay awesome.

Dear Biff,

I uploaded my roller coaster video here.
The ride actually ended up being a lot longer that I had planned, and it cost about $17,000.
So not worth it, but hey- it's fun to ride.
The video's a little jerky and there's no sound file since YouTube couldn't "recognize the sound format".
Make sure to appreciate the s-bends around minute 1:37.

I present to you Across the Pond:

Dear Federal Government,

I'm going to buy some cute shoes with the money that you stole from me all last year.
And then I'm going to put away the rest into savings, which is apparently a concept you know nothing about.

Dear Beth,

Mike does not have a southern accent- much less a drawl. You've just been in the north too long and have apparently been getting plenty of sleep.
If you know what I mean. :P

Dear Boyfriend,

I know you don't read this anymore, but you have really, really, really really nice hair.
And I love you.

Dear Daylight Savings Time,

Thank you for coming the weekend of Spring Break. This will give me plenty of time to take naps and make up for all the sleep you will steal from me. You're the best!

Dear Nose,

Stop running for no reason. I'm not crying, I'm not sick, and yet you continue to run and run and run as if I am.
STOP IT.

Dear May,

Hurry up and get here. And make some daffodils bloom on your way. :)

Sincerely,
TWS