Page Break

I've decided, much to everyone's dismay (where "everyone" = boyfriend), to start recording my puns.

Oh, yes.

They are so bad that they are good, and I want to be able to look back when I'm 80 and lol myself into hysterics. Kind of like I already do now. But anyway...

Here's a true story that illustrates my pun talent:

In International Accounting class, we had to divide up into groups and then talk about the current events that we found. My friend Jamie did his current event on Australia having a separate stock exchange for Islamic reporting entities.

Oh my gosh I am so bored right now typing this. But just hang on- the good part's coming.

Apparently with Islamic accounting, it's against their religion or whatever to earn interest on an investment, so instead investors make money from gains of sales.
Jamie said something along the lines of, "I just thought it was interesting how with Islamic accounting you're not allowed to earn interest."
And then I said, "You're right. That is interesting."

It was so bad/good/bad. Everyone just kind of looked at me while I giggled maniacally.
But that's what normally happens around here.
I'll be sure to record more as they come along.

I'd also like to address two phrases/words up with which I have come:

1. "He's all eyebrows and mustache"- this is to describe a person who literally has more hair than they do face.

2. "Fihusfriend"- this is to describe a person with whom you are only a ring and a date away from being spouses (spice?)

Profound words from Fihusfriend:

*discussing whether to go to Taco Bell or El Som tomorrow*
Mike: At El Som I could get something else. That'd be different.

I went to my advisement appointment last week, and my advisor (from here on out who will be referred to as "The Doctor") made a kind of snarky comment, which he may not have meant to have been snarky, but I took it as snarky, but I'm not holding it against The Doctor because I generally like The Doctor which is a phrase that SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT because I really hate going to the doctor for medical reasons and this sentence is way too long, so I'll be ending it now.

So I sat down in The Doctor's office, and he opened up my folder and said, "So what are we doing in the fall...*looks at folder*...besides making all A's?"

Like- was that a shot?

So to in order to convince the general public that school is not all that I do and to convince myself that I do have a life that doesn't suck as much as it sometimes seems to, I've composed a list of things at which I generally succeed am completely awesome.

1. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I write limericks.
I wrote this one the other night:

There once was a girl who said
That she liked to wear hats on her head.
So upon her noggin
She wore a toboggan
That was crocheted a bright colored red.



(that's me)

2. Making puns whenever opportunity stumbles in drunk late at night knocks.
(see above true story)

3. Eating raw carrots without dressing or dip. Not many people, I've found, can stomach this. I do it literally every other day.
In fact, yesterday I bit into a carrot just using my bottom teeth, and it looked like a shark had attacked it. How's that for awesome?

4. Writing creative song lyrics.
I was able to work the word "refrigerator" into one of my songs AND make it rhyme with something else.
I would post the entire song on here, but the narwhal bacons at midnight.
Since you're curious, I'll tell you that I made it an end rhyme with the words, "to date her".

5. Striking through words on my blog.

6. Playing free cell.
Before my laptop died, I had a clean record of 300 games won, 0 lost.
Perfect. Statistics.

Of course, this ranks right up there with "Man- I'm really good at checkers!" which Demetri Martin likens to saying, "Man- I'm not good at a lot of things!"
But that is just an aside.

7. Grammar. I'm really really really good at grammar.
Which, ironically, is sometimes not utilized correctly on this blog. (like right there. and right here.)
However, I happen to have a creative license that I can whip out and use whenever I need to like a super emergency rocket pack.

Yeah.

7. Wearing clothes.
I viewed this the other day and found like maybe 4% of them acceptable.
Not because of I think I have such an elite taste in clothes, but because I just don't think people know how to wear clothes that:
a. fit their body type and style
b. don't make them look like they're trying too hard

And I realize it was a style challenge and that they were probably trying really hard, and that's probably why they won't win.

Just my opinion, but it's true.
So yeah. I'm good at not trying too hard.

Which is the point I'm trying to make.
So maybe I tried really hard to get really good grades so I could get scholarships so I could get money.
Money motivates people to do crazy things.
Like to get jobs, for instance.
Is it so bad that I tried hard and succeeded?

Because I can stop trying hard, if you like.
I'm very capable of that.

The wheels on the bus,
TWS

Mein Kampf

Sometimes I dream of being a welder.

I doubt that welders have to wake up early to study lease payments and valuation allowances of deferred tax assets. I also doubt that they have to write 12 page term papers. Welders only need to go to school for two years and then when they start working, they make as much or more than accountants with 4-year degrees.

True story.

Bonus feature: they get to BURN stuff!
Er- weld. But still.

All my life I've grown up to believe that all the "good" and stable jobs are jobs where I'll get to use my brain that's full of stuff that I acquired in college.

But sometimes I just get so TIRED of using my brain all day every day.
And during those times, I just want to have an occupation where there are assembly lines and noise and FIRE and metal and sparks and safety masks.

I suppose being a seamstress would satiate this handsy lust, too.

I'm at that point again during the semester where I just don't want to do it anymore.
I just want to throw all of financial aspects of the world into a paper shredder (or a welding fire, perhaps) and never look back.
Last semester, it happened around week 9.
It's only week 5.

And the more I come to realize I don't want to work in public accounting, the more my motivation for anything- work, studying, grad school, 4.0-keeping, degree-finishing, cooking- it all just goes away.

Hence, mein kampf.

I don't want to even submit a resume for Accounting Day because I'm afraid that I'll be badgered by firms that will call me up and say something like, "HEY! You're a NOOB! You want to have a job right out of school where you get to work 59 hours a week?"

It all just makes me want to curl up on the couch with some blueberry pancakes and play Little Big Planet.

I won't do something as extreme as welding, but I definitely want to like what I do.

And I do not like this.

Couldn't even lie to Caleb,
TWS

Paper Bag

I literally hate Apple more than my own brain can comprehend.

You all know how my computer is broken, which is why I've only been able to e-mail like 3% of you for the past week and a half. Ergo, I have to use other people's/places' computers to get anything done.

This afternoon, I went to the computer lab at my apartment complex to put in my hours for my internship. Since all the _________ people were using the Dells, I had to use the Mac.

The sleek, rounded-corner Mac.
Why do they have rounded corners?
 Because they don't want their precious users to get poked by the cutting edge technology.

That was a good pun.
You should probably write that one down.

Anyway: first, it took me too long to find the USB port. So long, in fact, that I was beginning to think it was pulling an iPad and not going to have one. But then I found it in a really awkward spot. If computers had buttholes, that's where this USB port would have been.

Which is quite fitting for a computer that's such an ass.

Secondly, I know Excel seems like it will operate the same on a Mac as it does on a PC, but it really doesn't. For my internship, I have to log what activities I do each week to make sure that this is a legit internship and that I'm not running to get people coffee and answering phones. So I merge some cells, and I'm writing my paragraph about how awesome my job is. Although cells can go on forever, I like to have my paragraph in a readable format, so I try the "alt-enter" to move the lines down, but it doesn't work. Then I'm like- "Ooooh- this is a Mac; I probably have to use the command key."

But there was no command key. It was Dell keyboard.

Control-Enter.
Nope.
Windows symbol- Enter.
Nope.

Then suddenly, there was an error, Excel shut down "unexpectedly" and all of my work was lost.
No, don't send the error report. Apple was just being a d-bag and couldn't process more than two things at a time.

And then I opened it back up, and it so sweetly asked me, "Do you want to restore your saved data?"
Um, YES PLEASE.
And then it brought up nothing more than the skeleton that was already saved on my flash drive.

True story.

By then, all the _______ people were gone, so I switched to a Dell and got my S done, which is supplemental proof that this was not a PICNIC.

And this is twice now that Apple has come close to ruining my life.

But whene'er I'm having a bad day, I just think about the kitchen I'll have in my Pooler apartment that I'm going to be moving into in 155 days, and it gets a little better.

It's a swag kitchen.
I might even have a house-warming party so you can come and look at it and see me in it and take pictures of it and then show it to all your fraaaaaaaaaaaands.

So, you know, look forward to that invitation.

Mike: I had a dream that I was in a lot of debt, I was camping, and a lot of people were trying to kill me.
Me: That's awful! Especially the camping part.

Running through the screen doors of discretion,
TWS

Poop Noodles

My computer broke.

Consequently, this post will be a collection of mini-rants.

Mini rant #1:
I hate when people change their layouts too much. A change in color scheme is nice every once in a while, or a new upgrade every few years is acceptable. But the continuous "improvement" on certain blogs is ridiculous. I go back a week later, and I'm unsure that I'm at the same site because it changed so much since the last time I looked at it, and then I waste time looking for stuff because they changed the navigation as well.
It's like they do it just to mess with me.
This goes for you, too, Facebook with your new "Timeline" trash.

Mini rant #2:
How and why did the rat-tail hair style ever become popular?

Mini rant #3:
There's this one thing about Coldplay songs. Once you wear one out, you can never wear it back in.
Yellow.
Til Kingdom Come.
The Scientist: 5 years later since my last full listen and I'm still tired of it.

Mini rant #4:
I hate at my old job when people would have a check going to the wrong address, and then I go to the back where all the checks are to see if I can pull it for them, and then they tell me I can't, so I have to lie to the student and say that we can't pull it even though technically we could, if we were nice, caring and forgiving creatures. Consequently, we decide to punish the student by making them wait longer and end up punishing ourselves because this creates more paperwork for a stop issue/repayment check and then we have to deal with all their sardonic comments and phone calls about how long all processes take when we could have just pulled the friggin' check.

Mini rant #5:
I hate how many acronyms there are in accounting.
GAAP and IFRS are fine, and I can even get over the AS and the GAAS, but do you really need all of the following organizations to create hundreds of standards and then hundreds of statements on the standards that supposedly explain the standards?
IASC, IASB, AICPA, FASB, IOSCO, PCAOB, IFAC, GAO, IIA
They make me sound like a phonetically retarded robot. 

Mini rant #6:
I hate how the lyrics for Don't Play Me Close by David Rush aren't online.
Like I'm supposed to sound out how this rap song goes.

Mini rant #7:
The floor below the table at Loco's was sticky.

Mini rant #8:
I hate how apartment complexes in Statesboro are unnecessarily greedy. So you're telling me that even though I paid a full month's rent, I have to move out by noon on the 26th and then I have to be homeless for 6 days before I can legally take ownership of my new place on the 1st?

But that's enough hate for one day.

At my wedding, instead of saying, "I do", I'm going to say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

Heteroscedasticity,
TWS