Re-caulking the Bathroom

So there I was, crying in the pastor's office, trying to explain that the new testament doesn't get rid of the old testament laws and festivals.
He looked at me like I was hysterical.

A comment was made that there were some issues I need to look into because I was so clearly emotional about it. I explained that the conviction was deep and very real.

In the words of Michael Kelso, IS IT SO WRONG TO FEEL?

And then a few days ago, I read Psalm 119:136.

My eyes shed streams of tears, because people do not keep your law.

Ah, yes. Psalmist says it be like that sometimes. 

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

I went away from the meeting feeling cold and prickly. As I mulled it over the next few days, there were a few red flags:

1. When I brought up the commanded feasts and festivals in Leviticus 23, I asked if he knew what they pointed to prophetically. He said that I probably know more about them than he would. I guess OT covenant law is not taught at length in Baptist seminary.

2. I felt like a heretic for being enthusiastic about obeying God's law. This should not be.

3. We read through Matthew 5:17-19 together, which to me is a pretty damning verse for those wanting to declare any of the law irrelevant. He said that there is like a 10 hour sermon out there on the topic of how Jesus' fulfillment wasn't abolishment but doesn't require OT obedience of believers. Sounded like a loophole sermon to me. It shouldn't take 10 hours to explain a doctrine if it is scripturally sound.

4. When talking about actually observing the Sabbath on Saturday, he said "I'm sure that does you well spiritually." Really? Because now, here we are, questioning my spirituality.

Let me back up a few years and talk about how this began.

It all started in 2017 when I found out that one of my bosses was a Messianic Jew. I thought it was so freaking cool because here you have the Hebrew heritage wonderfully yoked to faith and belief in Messiah. I would watch some of his services on Saturday and love how they preached from the Torah and prophets and linked it to Yeshua and NT scripture. Love love love. It was great.

I never had the courage to actually go on Shabbat to mingle with ~other like-minded folks~ because I felt like I wasn't Jewish enough, I was already going to church on Sunday, it last two hours, blerg blerg blerg. Disgusting excuses all up in here.

But I did have some cool conversations with him at work and he completely blew my mind about how the spring festivals point to Yeshua's first coming, the fall festivals point to his second coming, how the last supper was actually just the Passover meal, and how Yeshua wasn't born in December.

I ran home and read it in Leviticus. It was all right there. 

Somehow I had read the Bible several times and never seen it.

The more I found out, the more I questioned. 

How can it be that this one group of believers has the fulfillment of the law in Yeshua and still keeps it?

We believe in the same savior and yet I do not know these feasts, let alone annually remember them, as they point to events that are still to come?

Should I still even eat pork?

I felt kind of, like, bad about it. I gave myself the good ol' "I'm just a Gentile" reason. "These things are just for the Jews" reason. When that feeling became a conviction, I stopped eating pork for a bit. 

Then I read and listened to some John MacArthur sermons about how the law is completely fulfilled in Jesus and that does away with the Sabbath so that we can venerate his resurrection on Sunday and that somehow extrapolates to all the commandments, ceremonial and civil. 

It worked for a time, and I could forget about it and live life like I had been.

But then the feelings would come up years later, and I'd feel all conflicted about it again.

And then I'd go back and read the SAME articles and sermons to quell the cognitive dissonance.

This was a huge error: seeking man's thoughts on a subject and not going straight to the word.

I would see the carefully constructed arguments from cherry picked scriptures and try to convince myself that it was right because that's the reigning belief in the church.

And church doctrine must be right, right?

And then COVID happened, and I began to look for the truth in things. 

I started studying about the end times and prophecy because, I mean, come on- we're clearly in the last days- and I wanted to be prepared.

In my research, those same prophetic fall feasts kept coming back up and finally, I decided I was going to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

So I went back to Torah. Since we were already going through Genesis in bible study, I started with Exodus and read very carefully and deliberately. I saw that the crowd that left Egypt wasn't just Jewish people. Exodus 12:38 says that a mixed multitude went up with the people of Israel and celebrated the Passover.

Hm.

And then when I continued reading through Leviticus, I saw that the law was for those "of the house of Israel and those that sojourn among you." That language is all over the place. That means everyone following YHWH was subject to following his commands. That's how they were to keep the covenant. 

Aha.

So it wasn't just a Jewish thing - even from the beginning.

Furthermore, I saw in Revelation - at the very back of the book - that when the saints are mentioned, they are clarified as "those who keep the commandments of God and their faith in Jesus." Rev 12:17 & Rev 14:12. So it's not just faith in Jesus? It's also keeping the commandments?

Then I took all those cherry picked scriptures from the John MacArthur Bible about how Paul is "clear" that "Gentiles" aren't "under" the "law". I'm talking the classic excuse verses - Colossians 2:16-17, Acts 10:15, Galatians 4:10, etc. And I looked up each one of them and read into the context.

Oh my.

Those verses did not mean what I had been led into thinking they meant. 

Quite the opposite in a few instances.

Thanks be to Yah that I actually read scripture this time instead of just what man said about it.

And then I was in crisis mode. 

How could I, a lowly peasant believer, be running up doctrine against one of the greatest theologians of our time?

So then I prayed. I prayed hard. And I asked that if what I am finding out is not true or not right or not the way I should be pursuing, make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.

And Yah did what he always does when one humbly seeks after him.

I fell in love with the scriptures. I'm talking like I'd go to work, eat lunch, and just study all afternoon. I couldn't get enough of it. I watched documentaries. I started using Hebrew and Greek Bible dictionaries for the first time. I read and saw things in scripture like I never have before. I pulled the ol' 1 Thess 5:21 maneuver and tested everything and held fast what was good. I started keeping the Sabbath. I looked into celebrating the feast days and cooked some delicious Challah bread. I prayed some more. I fasted for clarity. 

And then I met with the preacher and actually felt like I was going insane.

I felt like I was speaking truth and that it wasn't being taken seriously.

I was being "emotional".

Because I care SO much about this. Because this, THIS, is actually life changing.

And I felt like the only person I could talk to without having to defend myself was Yah.

So then I prayed and fasted some more.

And I asked again lead me to truth. I just want the truth. I do not care what that means for my life. I will leave the church if I have to. I will get rid of every hobby in my life if I have to. I will leave every pagan thing and tradition of men behind even if it gets awkward with family and whoever. Just lead me to truth.

And then John 14:15-17 took on a whole new meaning (emphasis added for, you know, emphasis):

If you love me, you will keep my commandments.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, 

even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.

John 17:17 Sanctify them in truth; your word is truth.

Proverbs 30: 5 Every word of God proves true.

Romans 3:4 Let God be true though every one a liar.

I firmly believe that truth is given to those that seek it.

I also believe that a strong delusion is upon those that do not. See 2 Thess 2:11.

I have been deceived and distracted for too long.

So what now, I asked. Now that I vehemently disagree with a big chunk of church doctrine that I know to be false, can I even still go to church with a good conscience? Jury is still out on that one. I haven't gone to church in 3 weeks but people say they missed seeing us. I suppose it's not all bad, but you can bet your Sunday best, I'm going to be testing everything. I am not here to make discord among brothers, but I will not compromise in the face of adversity, if it even comes to that. I already forsee that I will not be attending most of December.

But MAN it is lonely out here. Just like he said it would be. The narrow way is narrow indeed!

Again, I start to question my own sanity because it is startling when one finds oneself in Babylon and is called to come out of it. We are truth seekers and commandment keepers in a world full of lies and lawlessness.

So, of course, I looked online for others that held these same beliefs. I haven't reached out or made any pen pals yet (wouldn't that be fun!?!); the bigger groups that actually do sukkot together are in the midwest hours away. :/

But the final nail in the coffin of confirmation for me was the fact that so many of their testimonies aligned with mine, that is: specifically praying for and seeking truth and all coming to the conclusion that believers should be keeping Torah.

I guess that's the Spirit of truth at work. It's actually kind of nuts. 

What started years ago has finally culminated into a firmly held personal belief. 

Not a widely accepted church doctrine. 

My greatest fear as a Christian was that I would be a hypocrite. And now I don't have to be!

I plan to flesh this out in way more detail in the future. I personally want to write down what I believe and why so that I can always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks for the hope that it is me (1 Pet 3:15). With gentleness and respect, via whimsical scribblings of course. :)

I considered starting a new blog for this, but then I REALLY didn't want to become one of those people that just starts a new blog every time they have something new to write about, you know?

And then I was like- hey, this is already called True Story, so let's just make it even more so.

I will leave you with one other nugget. A tender, juicy one.

Along this truth quest, I noticed that names are important in the Bible. When people named their children as they were born, they declared the meaning at the beginning before that person even grew up or became anything. Yah changed some people's names (Abram > Abraham, Jacob > Israel) as he called them unto himself. 

Just for fun I looked into the etymology of my name.

Allie is short for Allison.

Allison means "son of Alice", and I was partially named after my great grandmother on my dad's side, Alice.

Alice derives from the Greek "aletheia" meaning "truth". 

I have literally been called truth.

True story.

Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made. Isaiah 43:6

Shalom,

TWS