Egg

Have you ever made your own grapefruit juice but instead of carefully removing the peel and seeds, you just cut it up into fourths and put the whole darn thing in there?

Drinking it feels like getting kicked in the face by an army of angry citrus trees.

Whenever I Google something multiple times, I kind of feel a little insulted by the way Google lets me know this.
Below the webpage, it reads:
You've visited this page 11 times. Last visit: 12/10/2013.
How I read it:
You've visited this page 11 times already! Geez, lady! Have you still not found what you're looking for yet? You must be stupid and really suck at research. Last visit: LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO CHEESE AND RICE.  

That moment when you lean back in your chair, stretch, pull your hair together and realize you don't have a hair elastic with you.

I was walking in my neighborhood last night, and a fair number of the townhouses are decorated for Christmas. There was one house with weird lighting. It's like they had replaced their porch lights with red and green bulbs, casting an eerie kind of glow on the front of their house.

And that's when I realized brothels are always more or less half way decorated for the holidays.

Whenever I eat a hard-boiled egg, I feel like I'm eating an eyeball. Not that I've ever eaten an eyeball, but I imagine it would be a lot like eating a hard-boiled egg.

I feel like theory of constraints wouldn't work in a beverage container facility.
Too many bottlenecks.

The last word of this sign is misspelled on all six floors of the Chatham County parking garage.

Public humiliation?

And here are some mushrooms I found that look like pancakes:

for size comparison

Mike maneuvered around slow people in Wal-Mart.
Me: I like your diversion.
Mike: Yeah, I take my own way... *looks at contents of aisle* ... through the pad aisle.
Me: Man, I hate when there's traffic there.
Mike: Well, it depends.

I need to go buy that kid a card,
TWS