Passive Activities

Remember how Mike was going to get rich quick by writing a get-rich-quick book?

No?

Go here. 

Now that you've remembered, we can move along.

I've come up with a lot of great ideas that would be a chapter- nay- appendix in that book.
(I enjoy using the word "appendix" now that I no longer possess one.)

Get Rich Quick Idea #1:

Operate a towing company. Buy a beat-up looking tow-truck, hire someone who has a basic understanding of heavy machinery, and then put yourself smack dab in the yellow pages of the phone book.

You can set your hours to really inconvenient times of the day (like 9 to 4, with an hour lunch break) and still get regular business! All you have to do is pay that guy to tow cars, charge a towing fee, charge storing fees, and then when people actually want their cars fixed? Outsource, outsource, outsource.

Don't forget to only accept cash. The idea is to act as shady as possible.

Also, make sure you call yourself something really back-woods hick and misspelled like "Bubba's Toe and Bawdy Shoppe" so that people associate your façade of southern hospitality with good business.

Marketing. For. The. Win.

Tip: If business gets slow, travel to nearby roads and scatter nails and glass to get the phones ringing!

Get Rich Quick Idea #2:

Buy a really douchey piece of land. Like- REALLY douchey. Something extremely small, cramped, but paved, preferably in a really busy part of a city. 

Then paint some lines on that piece of land. 

Then charge people to park on that piece of land (hint: make "all-day" parking a worse value than by-the-hour parking). 

Then when people park illegally because your plot of land is so incredibly convenient but so incredibly not, TOW THAT S.O.B. WITH YOUR VERY OWN TOWING COMPANY!

Feel free to tack on extra charges like "Account maintenance fee" or, one of my personal favorites, "Processing fee". You know- like a dollar or two so people won't complain too much but you still get the extra cash for doing absolutely nothing of realizable value. People love that stuff.

Get Rich Quick Idea #3:

Are you good at gardening? No? 

Are you good with math? No?

Are you good with forming complete sentences and conveying them to another person? No?

WELL YOU'RE IN LUCK because this next idea involves NO SKILL WHATSOEVER.

Disclaimer: it's slightly illegal.

So Mike and I live in an apartment complex that is relatively good about leaving its residents alone. They don't bug us with stupid fees or surprise apartment showings. We keep to ourselves, and everyone likes it that way.

Which is why this idea would work so well.

We have noticed that some of our neighbors like to place trash bags right outside their doors. They don't leave it out there for a long time, but just until they're ready to take the long walk to the dumpster.

1. Go to a lawyer. Have him set up a LLC with some ridiculous name like, "Management Management, LLC". Or, if he's really good, set up a corporation AND a partnership and let the corporation be the general partner in the limited partnership. This way, you can be a 100% shareholder in one and a 99% limited partner in the other and never have your personal assets at risk while you carry on both of these companies and funnel all the profits into your greedy little hands.

2. Apply for an EIN with the IRS. Put it under some ambiguous business activity like "investment". 

3. Get a PO Box for your little shell company(ies). 

4.  Open a checking account with your new EIN. Now it's time to start making money.

Whenever you see trash sitting out, have pre-printed notices that you can just stick in people's doors. The notices will say something like:

Dear Resident, 

We have noticed that your unit had a bag of trash placed outside of it. This violates code 87-30-10 of your leasing agreement.We have accordingly assessed a fine of $30 on your unit. 

Please make a money order or cashier's check payable to Management Management, LLC and mail to PO Box 8755. 

Thank you, 

Management Management, LLC 

~a family company~

And make sure you put that on some ballin' letterhead.

I really wonder how many people would fall for that. Since it's just a PO Box and not an actual place, it's not like people can come banging at your door. And then, when you receive people's checks/money orders, deposit them into bank account. Easy peezy.

Also, only accept money orders or cashier's checks. This way, you won't be responsible for personal checks bouncing, which can make your little company unprofitable with pesky NSF bank fees.

Note: this is a shell company and fraudulent and very much illegal. Do not attempt.

Now time for:

Best Business Practices

By Allie J

1. Be convenient.

I cannot stress this enough. Do you know why people like myself spend $4 on a glass of lemonade while standing in line at Six Flags? Because lemonade is convenient outside in Georgia in the summer.

Who knew, right?

This guy knew:

And he got rich quick.

Imagine what you could do if you sold candy to people waiting at the DMV. 

2. Be even more convenient.

The pool that I worked for my first job as a lifeguard got it right. 

We were open normal hours Tuesday through Friday, open half day on Saturday, and closed Sunday and Monday.

Shifting your workweek one day into the weekend gives people who have full time jobs the opportunity to fulfill their needs without taking time off, AND you still get 2 days off for the weekend. Possibly even more. 

This is why the post office sucks so hard.

Well, that in addition to a lot of other things they do poorly.

3. Talk on the phone like you're an actual person.

Many times I call businesses, and it's like the people running them don't know that they run them. It's like they expect me to know everything and then they can just "mm-hmm" to questions.

Me: "So when can I come pick it up?"

Them: "Mm-hmm."

!?

Also, "mm-hmm" is not a proper way to end a phone conversation. Try saying, "Alright, b-bye" or "Take care". You know, just BE A PERSON.

Otherwise I might write blog posts making fun of how unprofessional you really are.

There and back again,

TWS