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When I was young, I used to think that Subway was actually a underground metropolitan subway and the people that walked into the place were actually commuting to and from work.
And then I grew up and realized that it was a sandwich shop that is actually quite delicious.
Remember Baldinos?
(or would it be 'baldinos' since it's all hipster and undercapitalized like that?)

Funny hipster joke:
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue on Starbucks coffee?
A: He drank it before it was cool.

Whenever I'm trying to sleep and there's this really obnoxious lawn mower/hedge cutter/weed whacker/lumber chipper in my backyard because the apartment complex decides they need to start landscaping at 7 freaking 30 in the morning, I try to pretend that I'm at home and that the noise is just Dad on his sawmill.
It doesn't help me go back to sleep, but it makes me hate the workers less.

Running through sprinklers is one of my favorite pastimes.

The more I see wedding pictures on Facebook, the more I don't want to get married in an 80 pound wedding dress followed by a trail giggly, garrulous girls in matching dresses.
It just looks cumbersome. Cucumbersome, even.
And you all know my thoughts on cucumbers.

I should probably spend less time on Facebook and more time taking pictures of my face.
Because that's what the world needs more of, am I right?

I'm so sarcastic, I can't even tell if I was being sarcastic right there or not.

This is from the Internet:

I was helping Mike clean the other night, and I picked up a sock with my foot and threw it perfectly into the hamper.
Me: Woah dude! Did you see that? That was talent.
Mike: Yeah, it's like you're playing soccer.

As in Sock-er.
And he says my puns are terrible.
Maybe I'm just rubbing off on him.

Of Laffy Taffy caliber,
TWS