Nightmares and Terrorism

Since this is apparently now a saga, I will tell it like it is one.

So recently I have been experiencing some arachnid activity in this apartment. Way back in the fall, there was once this scary spider by my coffee maker, and that was all.

But now, there is like this whole army of spiders that is out to get me.

And I don't GET IT. Nothing has changed! WHY SO MANY SPIDERS!?!!?!?

About a week ago, I pulled back the shower curtain to take a shower and there was this big, old hairy spider in the tub. Luckily, I wasn't naked- because trying to kill a spider while you're naked would not end well. But instead of screaming, I stifled a gasp and put together this simple set of instructions on how to kill spiders successfully:

1. Paralyze with cleaner (so they kind of curl up)

2. Smash with rainboot (heavy AND water/gut proof)

3. Wipe up and completely wrap up tightly in trash. This is so that its corpse can't reconstruct itself in the night and come back to life. These things do happen.

So I killed the spider in the shower and moved on with life.

Then either the next day or sometime soon after that, I come home turn on my light and sense something. I look, and by the bathroom on the wall was another spider. So I do the Kill Drill- except this time, he fell on the carpet, and we have this brownish/navy/blackish carpet, and he blended in so well, I could barely see him.

And it's REALLY FREAKY to not be able to see what you are killing. It's like in Predator. Or Halo. Oh. My. Gosh. Listen to my references. I have been hanging out with guys too much.

Then the next day, I come home and there's ANOTHER FREAKING SPIDER in the exact same spot. I'm like, "Did I really kill the other one?" So I'm about to do the Kill Drill, but he scuttles away into the hole from whence he came before I got a chance. I then proceeded to stuff up his hole with a tissue and scotch tape it in place. Take THAT, spiders.

But then: the worst happened.

I went to bed last night and woke up at 4:25 from an accounting dream.

"An accounting dream- What's that?"

They're like calculus dreams where you're trying to solve a problem in your sleep, but since your brain's numb, you can't figure it out and it becomes really frustrating and you just want to cry.

I woke up and I was like, "WHY can I not FIND the CONTRIBUTION MARGIN?"

And then I noticed someone left the kitchen light on and it was shining right in my room. So I heave myself out of bed and go turn it off. This part of the story is actually irrelevant, but since you've made it this far, you might as well keep reading it.

I eventually fall back to sleep and then at 6:12- I remember this time very vividly- I wake up to a light tap on my forehead. And then I realize that SOMETHING IS WALKING ON MY HEAD.

AND IT'S A FREAKING SPIDER! OMG!!!!!!!!!!

So I reached up and wiped/grabbed it off my head and threw it on the ground. My heart was pounding and I was so afraid that everything in the world was a spider that I couldn't go back to sleep. I just lay there hoping the spider had "learned his lesson" not to crawl on me anymore. These were illogical stupid morning thoughts. I mean, do spiders really learn lessons?

Finally, at 6:30 I get up and start making coffee and looking for the spider. Because of the carpet, I couldn't find him anywhere. And I kind of wanted to make myself believe that it was just a terrible dream. And I could've believed it, except that I remember grabbing something off of my face and throwing it down.

I should be on "I Survived".

But the story's not over.

After carrying out normal morning activities, I go to school and work and try not to think about it. I sent Cleve some IMs about the trauma, and he sent me a photo of a guy with a huge spider on his face. If the aforesaid spider had not already ruined my day, this photo would have. Great move, "supportive" boyfriend.

Then I came home, made dinner, and sent in a work request for spider extermination because this room is beginning to feel less like a room and more like a pile of rotting lumber. Then Cleve and I went and played an awesome game of racquetball.

And THEN:

I came back all sweaty, but yet I would sweat more. Upon my wall when I first entered my room was the largest spider I have ever encountered in my life. With a leg span of more than three inches and a body the color of butterscotch candy- I knew I had caught my culprit. This was the guy that walked across my face this morning.

And I was going to kill him.

I will say that he did pick a strategic place to get killed. I couldn't spray him with cleaner because I didn't want all that mess on my printer, so when I smashed him with my boot, he fell into the crevice by my desk where no light shines.

After valiantly stabbing with a tissue-covered umbrella:

What's even more disgusting and horrifying about this picture is that IT COVERED ALMOST MY ENTIRE FOREHEAD. I could've died from the sheer terror of it all.

So yeah. That's been my spider trauma. Luckily, I get to leave for spring break in 4 days, and hopefully maintenance will come and exterminate all of the living beings in this apartment. Except for the humans. Maybe.

But anyway- I have to get up at 5:45 to register for classes tomorrow, so I better get to bed soon.

A bed without spiders.

Oh, and Jim tried to ask me out and I was like noooooooooooo I love Cleve k thx bye,

T.T.